A woman who I admire VERY much also writes a blog. She is the founder and home of Saddlebred Rescue, as well as running a lesson/training/show barn. Every single day, she gives so much of herself. Her blog sort of inspired mine, as she inspires me on a daily basis.
Today on her blog, ( http://www.northwindstables.com/blog/ ), she wrote the following:
I want to stand on my soapbox now. I have some advice; if you are mad at someone, do not and I repeat, DO NOT say mean things to them. Say what you need to say to express what you are feeling then stop and zip the mouth shut! When you are angry and go “after” the other person you are only making a bad situation worse. I find we say things that we think we mean but when we cool off we realize that those things were said only to be hurtful. Being hurtful to another person will never make you feel better, it will only cause you to become bitter and carry a grudge. Besides this, the other person usually reacts in the same way they were spoken to: hurtful, mean and angry. I am watching two people (now more) do nothing more than hurt each other for no other reason than they have their feelings hurt. I know these two like each other (as people) and it is hard to sit by and watch them both try and “PROVE who is RIGHT”. I know that both of these people were raised to be thoughtful, respectful and kind to others, so this is not the way they have been taught to treat others. I hope they can just stop the hurtfulness and just act the way they truly are inside. Respect each other!! Agree to disagree if you will. Stepping down now.
Gosh, how I wish I could have read her words and absorbed that wisdom months ago! I do know that this is the proper way to behave of course, but when anger takes over....
I just don't think we can ever be reminded enough that no matter HOW angry and hurt we may get, it's ok to speak out about how we feel, but it's never ok to lose our tempers and try to retaliate for our pain. There are other, better, ways. *repeating to self 1000 times*
About 15 years ago, I remember reading a line that literally changed my life. It said "Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right." It opened my eyes in a way they had never been opened before, and changed me for the better. And if I could just keep remembering that, and Nealia's words above when I am hurt or angry.... only good can come of it.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Natural Horsemanship
Recently, Natural Horsemanship has gotten a bad name. In many instances that bad rap has been justified. For instance, there are many "NH Followers" and even a few high-profile clinicians that have gone off to such an extreme with their "techniques", that the entire NH realm has been muddied, and this extreme goofiness is being thought of as synonymous with Natural Horsemanship. In some of these extremes, horses behaving badly get a pet and a carrot, and are treated as pets. Which can get very dangerous in a hurry.
Ray Hunt said, "A horse can make a great companion, but he doesn't make a good pet." Amen. Horses have learned how to survive and cooperate in their herd. They have the innate knowledge that they are going to either lead or follow another horse, hence the herd pecking order. A human should always be at the top of the pecking order... because if the human does not "lead" that relationship, the horse will step in and be the leader. And while you are standing beside, or are astride a 1200 lb animal who is "the leader", you might just be in grave danger indeed.
The basics of Natural Horsemanship then, are tried and true ways to relate to the horse that you are the leader, and to build respect. And to do this without the horse fearing the human. The horse wants to please, and will give all if he is guided in the right way.
Having just returned from a 4-day horsemanship clinic given by Buster McLaury, a friend and devotee of the late Ray Hunt, my next few blog entries will be an attempt to organize my thoughts and ruminations on the change in me and my horse over those 4 days. The horse I took, that would brace against the bit and seem to push against me as much as she gave in, came home very very soft from the ground and in the bridle, just from applying a few simple principles. I came home softer too (and not just from the great food we had there. ;-) ). The seeds of change have been planted, and I hope I can keep them growing.
Ray Hunt said, "A horse can make a great companion, but he doesn't make a good pet." Amen. Horses have learned how to survive and cooperate in their herd. They have the innate knowledge that they are going to either lead or follow another horse, hence the herd pecking order. A human should always be at the top of the pecking order... because if the human does not "lead" that relationship, the horse will step in and be the leader. And while you are standing beside, or are astride a 1200 lb animal who is "the leader", you might just be in grave danger indeed.
The basics of Natural Horsemanship then, are tried and true ways to relate to the horse that you are the leader, and to build respect. And to do this without the horse fearing the human. The horse wants to please, and will give all if he is guided in the right way.
Having just returned from a 4-day horsemanship clinic given by Buster McLaury, a friend and devotee of the late Ray Hunt, my next few blog entries will be an attempt to organize my thoughts and ruminations on the change in me and my horse over those 4 days. The horse I took, that would brace against the bit and seem to push against me as much as she gave in, came home very very soft from the ground and in the bridle, just from applying a few simple principles. I came home softer too (and not just from the great food we had there. ;-) ). The seeds of change have been planted, and I hope I can keep them growing.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pushing Away a Woman
A friend of mine posted this as her status on Facebook recently: "You can only push a woman away for so long until she finally walks out of your life. So be careful, make sure its what you want. Because once she turns her back on you, to her back is where you'll stay."
Isn't that the truth? How many of us are like that? I know I certainly am. It made me think about how much women WILL do to try to make things work for people who are important to us. The effort we will make to try to preserve a friendship. Especially when we can see beyond the current issue and see the layers underneath, giving us some understanding and insight into that person.
At some time in a difficult relationship though, there is a tipping point. When I think back and remember what made me "tip over" regarding the people I have walked away from, the people themselves and the situations have little in common with each other. I guess this means that each individual relationship had it's own point where I, as a woman, had to make a conscious decision to let it go and move on with my life.
And I do notice that as I've aged, I'm much more choosy about who I let inside in the first place. This makes me tend to fight that much harder to keep it. If I made a conscious decision to let them in to the sanctity of what is me... and I obviously felt they were worthy of that, and it was beneficial to both of us, then it is a rare, precious thing. Something worth holding on to.
But, people change. Circumstances change. Sometimes we drift apart, which is part of the cycle of life. Sometimes we get pushed out, or push someone else out.... and that's where it gets painful. And then once we are pushed enough, we're through. Out. Done. With no going back.
I'm so thankful for my husband and the people in my life who love me as I am, and are so good to me. I'm so fortunate to have this. To feel secure in my small circle of friends, and the people who bring me warmth, love, and laughter. And for me to multiply and return that back to those who are close by and appreciate it.
And for those that don't and who have pushed me out... I wish I could say the loss is all yours. But in reality, the majority of the time, we both lost.
Life is short.
Isn't that the truth? How many of us are like that? I know I certainly am. It made me think about how much women WILL do to try to make things work for people who are important to us. The effort we will make to try to preserve a friendship. Especially when we can see beyond the current issue and see the layers underneath, giving us some understanding and insight into that person.
At some time in a difficult relationship though, there is a tipping point. When I think back and remember what made me "tip over" regarding the people I have walked away from, the people themselves and the situations have little in common with each other. I guess this means that each individual relationship had it's own point where I, as a woman, had to make a conscious decision to let it go and move on with my life.
And I do notice that as I've aged, I'm much more choosy about who I let inside in the first place. This makes me tend to fight that much harder to keep it. If I made a conscious decision to let them in to the sanctity of what is me... and I obviously felt they were worthy of that, and it was beneficial to both of us, then it is a rare, precious thing. Something worth holding on to.
But, people change. Circumstances change. Sometimes we drift apart, which is part of the cycle of life. Sometimes we get pushed out, or push someone else out.... and that's where it gets painful. And then once we are pushed enough, we're through. Out. Done. With no going back.
I'm so thankful for my husband and the people in my life who love me as I am, and are so good to me. I'm so fortunate to have this. To feel secure in my small circle of friends, and the people who bring me warmth, love, and laughter. And for me to multiply and return that back to those who are close by and appreciate it.
And for those that don't and who have pushed me out... I wish I could say the loss is all yours. But in reality, the majority of the time, we both lost.
Life is short.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My search for Divinity
Some time ago, a columnist in the local paper asked his readers what they thought the difference between religious and spiritual is. I have always thought of myself as spiritual more so than religious, so this piqued my interest. You see, he is the pastor of a very small church, and having been through his wife’s devastating illness and ultimate death while still a young man, he had learned he had a strength that he never knew he had. Yet, there were times he despaired against God for making his wife and family suffer so. Still, religion was his life. He wanted to reach out to those people who avoided coming to church by saying they were very spiritual but not religious. How could he reach them? While reading through his column the next week, one of the responses electrified me.
“Religion is for people who don’t want to go to hell. Spiritualism is for those of us who have been there.”
Hello. That’s me. Or well, it was. It was the beginning of my journey to develop and cement my own personal beliefs, to reconcile them with the rigid confines of the religions I had grown up in and been exposed to. My issues with organized religions were complex, but the foremost issue was the paradox of how any place that considers itself a place of worship and holiness could exclude and judge so many people. Aren’t we taught that God loves all of us? That God loves us and does so without judgment? That God wants us to love the goodness and the humanness in our fellow man? That we are all worthy of salvation, and that we may all find different paths to get there? I certainly heard these things, but never saw this type of unconditional love and acceptance actually in practice in any of the churches I had been in. And thus began my path to find my own way to the divine, and in the process to find myself.
And yes, years later, I know myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And oh yes there are ugly parts, but as a human we all have them, and I am struggling with learning to come to terms with them, a process that will last my whole life. Which isn’t a bad place to be in… when we achieve perfection, we no longer are of this earth. At that point, we no longer need to be here. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I read the following concepts in Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” and they stuck with me:
The Hopi Indians believed that each of the religions in the universe contained a single thread. The also believed that these threads were constantly seeking each other, and if they were to ever join together, they would weave into a rope that would pull us out of the darkness and into the new realm.
Even in recent times, the Dalai Lama has proclaimed repeatedly that you do not have to be a Tibetan Buddhist to walk the path of enlightenment. He encourages his students to take bits and pieces out of Buddhism that ring true for them, and integrate them with other religious (or spiritual) practices they possess. Wow! What radically different concepts than ones that were hammered into me at an early age. And what realistic and practical ones! So, my journey began, to ”choose” my religion. And at last I felt free to do so.
In my search for the Divine, I put together many thoughts and beliefs that I had carried bits and pieces of throughout my life, and wove them in with other threads I learned along the way in my search. My beliefs are also not set in stone, nor do I believe they are the same for everyone. Each of us can find salvation (the Christian term) or enlightenment (the Buddhist and other Far East word) if we follow our own path.
Here are my threads:
“Religion is for people who don’t want to go to hell. Spiritualism is for those of us who have been there.”
Hello. That’s me. Or well, it was. It was the beginning of my journey to develop and cement my own personal beliefs, to reconcile them with the rigid confines of the religions I had grown up in and been exposed to. My issues with organized religions were complex, but the foremost issue was the paradox of how any place that considers itself a place of worship and holiness could exclude and judge so many people. Aren’t we taught that God loves all of us? That God loves us and does so without judgment? That God wants us to love the goodness and the humanness in our fellow man? That we are all worthy of salvation, and that we may all find different paths to get there? I certainly heard these things, but never saw this type of unconditional love and acceptance actually in practice in any of the churches I had been in. And thus began my path to find my own way to the divine, and in the process to find myself.
And yes, years later, I know myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And oh yes there are ugly parts, but as a human we all have them, and I am struggling with learning to come to terms with them, a process that will last my whole life. Which isn’t a bad place to be in… when we achieve perfection, we no longer are of this earth. At that point, we no longer need to be here. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I read the following concepts in Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” and they stuck with me:
The Hopi Indians believed that each of the religions in the universe contained a single thread. The also believed that these threads were constantly seeking each other, and if they were to ever join together, they would weave into a rope that would pull us out of the darkness and into the new realm.
Even in recent times, the Dalai Lama has proclaimed repeatedly that you do not have to be a Tibetan Buddhist to walk the path of enlightenment. He encourages his students to take bits and pieces out of Buddhism that ring true for them, and integrate them with other religious (or spiritual) practices they possess. Wow! What radically different concepts than ones that were hammered into me at an early age. And what realistic and practical ones! So, my journey began, to ”choose” my religion. And at last I felt free to do so.
In my search for the Divine, I put together many thoughts and beliefs that I had carried bits and pieces of throughout my life, and wove them in with other threads I learned along the way in my search. My beliefs are also not set in stone, nor do I believe they are the same for everyone. Each of us can find salvation (the Christian term) or enlightenment (the Buddhist and other Far East word) if we follow our own path.
Here are my threads:
- I believe that Heaven is what happens to our souls once we have learned all the lessons God needs us to know.
- I believe that some people go their whole lives and still don’t learn the lessons God wants us to learn. These souls come back again and again until they (we) learn the lessons we were put here to learn.
- I believe that Hell is what we live through here on earth while we are learning how to be loving, giving humans. Sometimes this Hell is out of our control, such as when we are children, or otherwise vulnerable. Often it is something we create for ourselves.
- I believe that our greatest enemies our ourselves. That until we learn to love ourselves, we will never learn how to truly love others. But that God loves us unconditionally, at all times, and there is always a master plan, for the greater good. That plan might not me good for me at this moment, but we are not in this alone.
- I believe that at any point in our lives, no matter what we are doing, that where I am at right now.. that God had this in his plan for me, and drew a circle in the dirt of where I stand. Right now.
- I believe that misery in any form stains the collective consciousness. That God wants us to search for happiness, for the greater good of ALL people and mankind. That this search for happiness and actualization teaches us the lessons we know to be happy forever in Heaven.
- I believe that true Divinity comes from within us. It is in all of us. It can be seen in all living creatures. We must learn to love life.
- I believe that people come into your life for a reason, to fill a need, to teach you, to turn your life upside down - whatever it takes for you to learn the lesson of life and love. There will be people in your life that hurt you. You will hurt others. It’s all a part of the master plan for mankind to learn the art of forgiveness, humility, self-worth, and unconditional love.
- I also believe that in many ways we ARE the masters of our own destinies. We have to work and search to learn the lessons we need to learn to love ourselves and love others. Sometimes we will give up on someone too soon, but maybe that is so next time we will dig in and follow our heart, follow the voice inside that says “Try one more time”. Maybe our lesson is to learn to let something go and walk away, and we will do that too.
- I believe in life you run into certain special people who will change your life forever. Are these angels? Soulmates? These are people that act as a mirror to your own soul and character, and reflect back to you the things to help you learn what you are supposed to learn.
- I believe that the person that we are meant to be someday helps pull us through our obstacles to get to that place. “Eat, Pray, Love” refers to a story in which the Zen Buddhists have a fable about an oak tree that represents this. This fable says that an oak tree is not only brought into being by the acorn holding all it’s potential, from whence it sprouts, but also the force of the future tree itself. The mighty, mature oak who wants so badly to exist that it acts on the acorn, and then the seedling, the young tree.. pulling and guiding it into maturity. The force inside us, pulling and guiding us into the person we need to become, is the Divinity within us, and is a mighty force in our lives.
- I believe we each have our own path to the Divine. I believe we must each break out of our barriers, throw down our boundaries, and dare ourselves to discover who we are.
The ironic part is that in searching for the “Divine”, I learned that really, the search for divinity and peace isn’t something you can find on the outside. The divinity is within. It is within each and every one of us. I never understood before when I would read “God dwells within us”, until I thought of it as… when I walk on the street, God feels the earth with my feet because he cannot. When I look into the soulful eyes of my horses, I see God’s love reflected back through them. We are not perfect. We are human. God loves us. It is his “job” to love us. It is our job to go through life and learn to love others. And we have to start with ourselves.
Ref: Gilbert, Elizabeth. "Eat, Pray, Love", ISBN-13: 978-0143038412
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Almost full circle.. but not quite
Those of you who have raised your own foals know the satisfaction that comes from a successful birth. From the time the pregnancy is confirmed, to following the pregnancy, waiting anxiously for the blessed wee foal to arrive, (never mind the anxiety and the sleep deprivation that go along with that, more on that later), the thrill of seeing a new life emerge and a new personality take shape. The hours and hours and hours upon hours of daily care, handling, gently teaching, shaping, guiding their young equine life so they have the best chance to live a good life, loved by good people.
We have always put a LOT of time into our foals. It terrifies me knowing that even great horses can end up in bad hands or bad circumstances. It is my job as a breeder to make sure our foals have the BEST start in life, and are willing, easy to teach, a pleasure to be around, and are a comfortable and drama free ride later in their lives. While any horse can fall into a bad situation, it's so much easier to find available homes for smart, trained, willing horses than unhandled or aggressive ones. It is not only my job, it is my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to these lives I have had a hand in creating.
We have not produced a foal in the last two years, with the economy and the horse market both crashing. The foals we have produced are in good hands, in performance homes, and every horse we sell (foal or adult) is sold with a right-of-first-refusal. While we can't do everything to keep one of ours from slipping through the cracks, we do all we can. I still have not started up our breeding program again... it's very expensive, and there is still a glut of good horses on the market priced much cheaper than it would be for me to produce one. The market seems to be recovering, but it will have to recover a lot more for me to get back into it.
But.. there is nothing else like producing your own, and raising them right from the beginning. There are no "other people's problems" to fix. There is the immense satisfaction of watching your youngster turn into a willing, pleasant, teachable equine who will hopefully bring someone a boatload of joy, and possibly even win them a few ribbons.
The very first foal we bred for is still with us. She is 4 now, and while she has had several interested buyers, there were some I felt was not a good fit and wouldn't sell to, and others who passed her over in the search for their perfect horse. I always did in my heart want to keep this one, she is extraordinary. However, being a "commercial" farm also means you have to take your heart out of at times and let them go. She is the only homebred we still have.
In November of her 2nd year, she suffered a devastating freak accident. Sliding around the corner of the barn, she slid and jammed a stick up in her hoof adjacent to her frog. Of course, the stick broke off and the frog closed back over, and if I wouldn't have heard the "pop" I wouldn't have known when it happened at all other than she was 3 legged lame in 10 minutes. Upon exam, (no evidence of a breach in the sole at this time), a coffin bone fracture was suspected. Long story long, 8 days later the hoof avulsed enough that the stick was finally caught on a hoof knife on that daily exam. Almost 2" of broken stick, and partially rotted fragments. The infection was immense. She was given a very grim prognosis. Even survival was suspect, and the chance of soundness close to nil.
She had some great things going for her. She was smart about being confined, and protected herself by lying down frequently. She was good taking her bute, and 5 weeks of daily shots of Naxcel. She was sensible when we were able to turn her out with a hospital plate on. Every day that went by that she still was bright and alert and fighting to live added a bit to her chances...
Let me pause here to say the effort on our part was exhausting. Hours and hours of daily care for weeks, on top of full time jobs, and a farm to maintain. It was expensive, too. We never once thought about giving up on her. It was all up to her.
Fast forward 18 months. Our filly, our beautiful miracle horse, is completing her first round of training under saddle. We found a wonderful trainer we could entrust with her, and are very blessed for that. She is sound. She is healthy. She is awesome.
Last night, on a trail ride with her trainer, myself, and another friend.. I got to ride my girl on a 'real' ride for the very first time. For over 2 miles of a 4 mile ride.... I got the immense pleasure of seeing the fruits of our labors. The months of planning, the years of effort, the weeks of uncertainty and heartbreak surrounding her injury.. faded into the here and now. She is soft, willing, and responsive. A dream. My dream.
Soon, after a 4 day Horsemanship Clinic at the end of this month, our "baby" will be coming home to us for a few months before continuing advanced training later this year. I can't wait to have her in my daily life again, and to start this new chapter in our lives.... soon, soon, we will be full circle.
We have always put a LOT of time into our foals. It terrifies me knowing that even great horses can end up in bad hands or bad circumstances. It is my job as a breeder to make sure our foals have the BEST start in life, and are willing, easy to teach, a pleasure to be around, and are a comfortable and drama free ride later in their lives. While any horse can fall into a bad situation, it's so much easier to find available homes for smart, trained, willing horses than unhandled or aggressive ones. It is not only my job, it is my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to these lives I have had a hand in creating.
We have not produced a foal in the last two years, with the economy and the horse market both crashing. The foals we have produced are in good hands, in performance homes, and every horse we sell (foal or adult) is sold with a right-of-first-refusal. While we can't do everything to keep one of ours from slipping through the cracks, we do all we can. I still have not started up our breeding program again... it's very expensive, and there is still a glut of good horses on the market priced much cheaper than it would be for me to produce one. The market seems to be recovering, but it will have to recover a lot more for me to get back into it.
But.. there is nothing else like producing your own, and raising them right from the beginning. There are no "other people's problems" to fix. There is the immense satisfaction of watching your youngster turn into a willing, pleasant, teachable equine who will hopefully bring someone a boatload of joy, and possibly even win them a few ribbons.
The very first foal we bred for is still with us. She is 4 now, and while she has had several interested buyers, there were some I felt was not a good fit and wouldn't sell to, and others who passed her over in the search for their perfect horse. I always did in my heart want to keep this one, she is extraordinary. However, being a "commercial" farm also means you have to take your heart out of at times and let them go. She is the only homebred we still have.
In November of her 2nd year, she suffered a devastating freak accident. Sliding around the corner of the barn, she slid and jammed a stick up in her hoof adjacent to her frog. Of course, the stick broke off and the frog closed back over, and if I wouldn't have heard the "pop" I wouldn't have known when it happened at all other than she was 3 legged lame in 10 minutes. Upon exam, (no evidence of a breach in the sole at this time), a coffin bone fracture was suspected. Long story long, 8 days later the hoof avulsed enough that the stick was finally caught on a hoof knife on that daily exam. Almost 2" of broken stick, and partially rotted fragments. The infection was immense. She was given a very grim prognosis. Even survival was suspect, and the chance of soundness close to nil.
She had some great things going for her. She was smart about being confined, and protected herself by lying down frequently. She was good taking her bute, and 5 weeks of daily shots of Naxcel. She was sensible when we were able to turn her out with a hospital plate on. Every day that went by that she still was bright and alert and fighting to live added a bit to her chances...
Let me pause here to say the effort on our part was exhausting. Hours and hours of daily care for weeks, on top of full time jobs, and a farm to maintain. It was expensive, too. We never once thought about giving up on her. It was all up to her.
Fast forward 18 months. Our filly, our beautiful miracle horse, is completing her first round of training under saddle. We found a wonderful trainer we could entrust with her, and are very blessed for that. She is sound. She is healthy. She is awesome.
Last night, on a trail ride with her trainer, myself, and another friend.. I got to ride my girl on a 'real' ride for the very first time. For over 2 miles of a 4 mile ride.... I got the immense pleasure of seeing the fruits of our labors. The months of planning, the years of effort, the weeks of uncertainty and heartbreak surrounding her injury.. faded into the here and now. She is soft, willing, and responsive. A dream. My dream.
Soon, after a 4 day Horsemanship Clinic at the end of this month, our "baby" will be coming home to us for a few months before continuing advanced training later this year. I can't wait to have her in my daily life again, and to start this new chapter in our lives.... soon, soon, we will be full circle.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Extended Equine Weekend
A day off on Friday, a trip to Equine Affaire with my husband, followed by two days of trail riding! What a fantastic 4 days! Does it get any better? Well, only maybe if I wouldn't have had to work today, but that is what pays the bills. (Oh yeah, those.)
Oh, to have the freedom to be able to ride every day! Not that I actually would ride every day if I did, but I would do "something horse" every day. There are so many things I want to do with my horses: groundwork, specific exercises, different places to ride. Each of them, even the boarder, have a few issues I would love to have the time to work on. And, plenty of time to just leisurely groom them. Or watch them munch their hay. Appreciate the eagerness on their faces when I bring out carrots. And the very best.. when they do something willingly that I have been working on.. (for example, a horse who has been difficult to load finally willingly loading themselves in the trailer),.. and you realize they are really just doing everything they do for you.... just to please their human. If that's not one of the most incredibly humbling feelings on this earth, I don't know what is.
Oh, to have the freedom to be able to ride every day! Not that I actually would ride every day if I did, but I would do "something horse" every day. There are so many things I want to do with my horses: groundwork, specific exercises, different places to ride. Each of them, even the boarder, have a few issues I would love to have the time to work on. And, plenty of time to just leisurely groom them. Or watch them munch their hay. Appreciate the eagerness on their faces when I bring out carrots. And the very best.. when they do something willingly that I have been working on.. (for example, a horse who has been difficult to load finally willingly loading themselves in the trailer),.. and you realize they are really just doing everything they do for you.... just to please their human. If that's not one of the most incredibly humbling feelings on this earth, I don't know what is.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Seeing Clearly
From the Horse Whisperer:
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It is about what is going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."
Seeing clearly, isn't that the trick? Going beyond our mortal yearnings, sifting through our thoughts and feelings to try to figure out if something is truly in our heart, or if it's veiled with "the way it should be", or "the way it's expected".
I learned a long time ago to always be true to myself. It is very true that the pain is greater if you are not, and since that time have been at peace with and comfortable with my true self. I am able to see myself quite clearly. I don't always like what I see in there, but those are opportunities to either accept those things, or make the effort to change them. I have done both, and have experienced amazing growth and healing.
But..... As I get older, I wonder.. at what cost? At what cost to those around you? Where do you draw the line between staying true to yourself yet fulfill your obligations and stay mindful of the feelings of others? And for the first time, I am wondering... maybe surrendering to your true self ISN'T always the right answer. Or maybe at the end of the day, it is. Only time will tell.
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It is about what is going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."
Seeing clearly, isn't that the trick? Going beyond our mortal yearnings, sifting through our thoughts and feelings to try to figure out if something is truly in our heart, or if it's veiled with "the way it should be", or "the way it's expected".
I learned a long time ago to always be true to myself. It is very true that the pain is greater if you are not, and since that time have been at peace with and comfortable with my true self. I am able to see myself quite clearly. I don't always like what I see in there, but those are opportunities to either accept those things, or make the effort to change them. I have done both, and have experienced amazing growth and healing.
But..... As I get older, I wonder.. at what cost? At what cost to those around you? Where do you draw the line between staying true to yourself yet fulfill your obligations and stay mindful of the feelings of others? And for the first time, I am wondering... maybe surrendering to your true self ISN'T always the right answer. Or maybe at the end of the day, it is. Only time will tell.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Eden
Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk. Well, I didn't exactly wake up in fresh funk, it was left over from the night before, when my husband and I were "discussing" the separation of domestic duties, among other things. Since he can't defend himself here, I will refrain from any details other than to say I have changed dramatically over the past 10 years, and my needs in life and a partner have changed as well. We have grown apart, and we need to decide where to go from here. We do love each other very much, but wonder if that's enough... I can not imagine my life without him in it. I also can't imagine going on the way things are now. There are other considerations going on timing-wise. We are not in a hurry to make any kind of permanent decision one way or the other, but the possibility is there...
So, I was now in "slept-on" funk, and my mind could NOT stop. Luckily, I had a riding date with my neighbor. We were supposed to meet there at 11, and I was ready very early, so arrived there early. On the drive, of course my mind raced with questions and possibilities of the future, and the very real fear of possibly having to start completely over....
Once I pulled into the parking and unloaded my mare, the beauty of the area and the warm sunshine brought me back to the moment. The next 40 minutes of pampering my horse, and letting her graze started easing the tension and stilling my mind. By the time my neighbor got there, I was at least in a positive emotional plane, and our ride began.
The trail we usually take had been expanded in the last year, and we took the long way around. On a regular day, it is a beautiful ride. On the 2nd of April, with a temp of 82, all of the ground a vivid green, and all the spring wildflowers blooming, it was spectacular. Our mounts were enjoying the ride as much as we were, and it was all about the moment.
About halfway around the loop, there is an out-and-back trail that goes past some old calcite mines and down into a bottom with a couple of creek crossings. My neighbor suggested we try it, she had been down there 4-5 years ago and said it was really pretty. After giving the horses a break, we started down this trail. It was downhill, and part of the trail very rocky. The horses were eager to descend into the shade, and we motored on down. After passing several large holes in the ground where the calcite was mined back in the day, we turned the corner and out of the side of a tree-covered hill, a gorge appeared. Everything was a vivid green, even the rock cliffs. The trail went right into this mini-gorge, the sides rising above us like a cathedral. A cathedral of rock, covered with lichen, and little white spring wildflowers.. words and pictures cannot describe it. We arrived at the bottom, with a couple of creek crossings with large deep pools visible near the crossing. My mare loves the water, and we paused to let her get about belly deep, and paw and splash and play for several minutes. Both of them were quite thirsty too so they drank up. There was a nice flat area there suitable for tying up the horses and having a little picnic, so we made plans to do this again. Down here in Eden, it was like the civilized world didn't even exist, framed in this cathedral of cliffs and trees and green, complete with babbling creek. The sense of peace was amazing and very soothing.
After enjoying this idyllic setting for awhile, it was time to truk back up the hill and continue our ride. As we left the gorge part and turned the corner, I turned around and watched the crease in the earth disappear behind us. A few feet further and it just looked like a regular wooded hill again. You would have never known it was there, unless you made the effort to go check it out.
What a metaphor that is for life! To try to be in the present, in the moment, and enjoy the peace of your surroundings. And if you make the effort, peace is there. You just have to look for it and take the chance of putting in the work to find it.
7 1/2 miles later, back at the parking lot, my worries from the night before and morning had evaporated. In fact, after about 10 minutes into the ride, they never even entered my mind again for the whole ride. For a few hours, all the rest of the world evaporated and it was only us, nature, and our horses. I am refreshed and at peace again.
So, I was now in "slept-on" funk, and my mind could NOT stop. Luckily, I had a riding date with my neighbor. We were supposed to meet there at 11, and I was ready very early, so arrived there early. On the drive, of course my mind raced with questions and possibilities of the future, and the very real fear of possibly having to start completely over....
Once I pulled into the parking and unloaded my mare, the beauty of the area and the warm sunshine brought me back to the moment. The next 40 minutes of pampering my horse, and letting her graze started easing the tension and stilling my mind. By the time my neighbor got there, I was at least in a positive emotional plane, and our ride began.
The trail we usually take had been expanded in the last year, and we took the long way around. On a regular day, it is a beautiful ride. On the 2nd of April, with a temp of 82, all of the ground a vivid green, and all the spring wildflowers blooming, it was spectacular. Our mounts were enjoying the ride as much as we were, and it was all about the moment.
About halfway around the loop, there is an out-and-back trail that goes past some old calcite mines and down into a bottom with a couple of creek crossings. My neighbor suggested we try it, she had been down there 4-5 years ago and said it was really pretty. After giving the horses a break, we started down this trail. It was downhill, and part of the trail very rocky. The horses were eager to descend into the shade, and we motored on down. After passing several large holes in the ground where the calcite was mined back in the day, we turned the corner and out of the side of a tree-covered hill, a gorge appeared. Everything was a vivid green, even the rock cliffs. The trail went right into this mini-gorge, the sides rising above us like a cathedral. A cathedral of rock, covered with lichen, and little white spring wildflowers.. words and pictures cannot describe it. We arrived at the bottom, with a couple of creek crossings with large deep pools visible near the crossing. My mare loves the water, and we paused to let her get about belly deep, and paw and splash and play for several minutes. Both of them were quite thirsty too so they drank up. There was a nice flat area there suitable for tying up the horses and having a little picnic, so we made plans to do this again. Down here in Eden, it was like the civilized world didn't even exist, framed in this cathedral of cliffs and trees and green, complete with babbling creek. The sense of peace was amazing and very soothing.
After enjoying this idyllic setting for awhile, it was time to truk back up the hill and continue our ride. As we left the gorge part and turned the corner, I turned around and watched the crease in the earth disappear behind us. A few feet further and it just looked like a regular wooded hill again. You would have never known it was there, unless you made the effort to go check it out.
What a metaphor that is for life! To try to be in the present, in the moment, and enjoy the peace of your surroundings. And if you make the effort, peace is there. You just have to look for it and take the chance of putting in the work to find it.
7 1/2 miles later, back at the parking lot, my worries from the night before and morning had evaporated. In fact, after about 10 minutes into the ride, they never even entered my mind again for the whole ride. For a few hours, all the rest of the world evaporated and it was only us, nature, and our horses. I am refreshed and at peace again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)