When I was a junior in high school, my parents (mom and stepdad, and my brother and sister) moved to Ohio. For a variety of reasons, I refused to move with them. I had 1 1/2 years of high school left, and I wanted to finish right there, and not uproot and go to a huge city school.
What to do with me? Where could I live? My mom's parents lived in the same small town, but also for a variety of reasons, I didn't want to live with them. Never mind that they were in their late 60s and didn't need to have a wild, independent minded teenager in the house.
My best friend in high school, Sue, talked to her parents. They agreed to take custody of me and let me live with them. They even fixed up some fence so I could bring my horses over. They took in my cat, too. How fortunate was I to have such grace? To be allowed to become a part of someone else's family. And bring my other "best friends, my horses and cat. They were a family that provided much-needed stability, wisdom, guidance, and above all, love. Welcomeness. Safeness. I loved them so much. Even her grandparents made me feel welcome and a part of the family. Words cannot express what this meant to me. Being the clueless teenager that I was, I never realized their sacrifice until many years later of course... but I did finally realize it. They were my angels at a time in my life when I really needed some. I will never ever forget their kindness and the difference they made in my life.
When my friend and I graduated from high school, her grandmother gave me a picture. She was truly an artist at heart, a woman with great artistic talents that did what almost everyone else in her generation did when they got married: put their own dreams aside, became a farm wife, a mother, and then later a grandmother. For my high school graduation, knowing my love for horses, she painted a horse on a piece of glass, and enclosed it in a frame for me. Black ink, with a yellow paper background. It was beautiful, and she did it for me. A beautiful 8 x 10 work of art, created just for me.
Fast forward 25 years. I still have the picture. In its original frame. The frame has taken some abuse over the years, moving to KY with me for college, and remaining in my home through houses bought, houses sold, marriages, divorces, remarriage, a couple of farms.... Several times I thought to reframe it, but she had taped up the back so nicely, and it was so much her handiwork, I never did. It stayed with me all these years, just how she created it.
I learned that the Grandmother passed away several years ago, and through the miracle of Facebook, found my old friend. On a whim this weekend, I asked her if she ended up with any of her Grandma's work, and would she like this piece... She was ecstatic and said she doesn't have any of her Grandma's work and would love love love to have it if it wasn't too much trouble. I'm so happy that it is now going "home" to her. It is just one very small thing I can do to thank her and her family for the life-changing chance they took on me.
Here's to you and your family, Sue. I know the meaning of Amazing Grace from you and your family.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Complete
Don't you just love it when all is right in your world? When you feel totally complete and content? Monday evening was such an experience.
The interesting thing is that Monday was my first day back at my real job since being on vacation the previous week. Usually that's not a day to feel complete and content.. but it worked out that way in the end...
It started on Saturday evening. We had 37 people over for our annual farm party. People from all facets of our life - horse friends, work friends, old friends, new friends - all came together to eat, drink, play games, chat, and be merry. As the last guest drove away and my husband and I sat in the cool night breeze, we talked about how fortunate we are to have so many friends who will take time out of their own lives, and come to our home and bring their families and share in a fun evening. It is very humbling, and we felt very rich indeed, even though our bank account is struggling.
After a few mildly stressful moments on Monday morning, I then talked with another good friend, and thoroughly enjoyed our honest, warm conversation and time together, again grateful to have such good friends in my life. The afternoon went quickly, and soon I was home again. A cool front had come through overnight, and the humidity was low for a change, it was lovely out!
After weeding the garden and picking lettuce, I looked up and the sunset was just simply spectacular. Brilliant reds and searing oranges across the sky. We sat on our porch in the soft breeze and watched the stunning colors play on the horizon, while the birds sang and our kitties twined around our legs, purring. I remember thinking, "Remember how this feels, this sense of utter completeness and happiness. Cherish this feeling, and this place, so you can come back here when the world starts spinning out of control again."
And of course the world is trying to spin out of control again.. but at least for now, I am still able to come back to these few hours.... where just absolutely everything was right in the world. And I am so grateful.
The interesting thing is that Monday was my first day back at my real job since being on vacation the previous week. Usually that's not a day to feel complete and content.. but it worked out that way in the end...
It started on Saturday evening. We had 37 people over for our annual farm party. People from all facets of our life - horse friends, work friends, old friends, new friends - all came together to eat, drink, play games, chat, and be merry. As the last guest drove away and my husband and I sat in the cool night breeze, we talked about how fortunate we are to have so many friends who will take time out of their own lives, and come to our home and bring their families and share in a fun evening. It is very humbling, and we felt very rich indeed, even though our bank account is struggling.
After a few mildly stressful moments on Monday morning, I then talked with another good friend, and thoroughly enjoyed our honest, warm conversation and time together, again grateful to have such good friends in my life. The afternoon went quickly, and soon I was home again. A cool front had come through overnight, and the humidity was low for a change, it was lovely out!
After weeding the garden and picking lettuce, I looked up and the sunset was just simply spectacular. Brilliant reds and searing oranges across the sky. We sat on our porch in the soft breeze and watched the stunning colors play on the horizon, while the birds sang and our kitties twined around our legs, purring. I remember thinking, "Remember how this feels, this sense of utter completeness and happiness. Cherish this feeling, and this place, so you can come back here when the world starts spinning out of control again."
And of course the world is trying to spin out of control again.. but at least for now, I am still able to come back to these few hours.... where just absolutely everything was right in the world. And I am so grateful.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Rough Ride
Went on the most interesting trail ride yesterday about an hour south of here in a National forest. Parking only 1/2 mile or so from the interstate, the territory got very real very fast.
Remember several posts back when I talked about rain, and when we had a lot of rain, the bugs were just terrible? Well, add that to a very hot, VERY humid day, and the deer flies were just almost unimaginable.
But the area was beautiful: sandstone formations, red soil, rough and mostly unspoiled. Due to the heavy flooding that occurred here a few weeks ago, we expected the trails doing up and down to be washed out some, but I'm not sure we expected them to be as rough as they were. We were up to the challenge though!
It starts off simple enough: wide, cleared trails along the ridge then eroding to the sandstone foundations as you moved off the ridge. We quickly found it behooved us and our mounts to break off a long twig with plenty of leaves so we could almost constantly brush our horses ears, necks, sides, and hips to keep the blood-sucking flies off them. As we descended into the woods though, it slowly became cooler. We were riding to a small waterfall down at the bottom, close to the river and I had been warned the trail to it was pretty treacherous and washed out.
She wasn't kidding. The last part of the descent was at least 1/4 mile of very steep, rocky, washed out trail. It made our horses be very careful about where they put their feet, and the going was slow, as they had to stop and rest often, especially my mare who isn't in the best shape, and was also carrying a heavy rider. Did I mention the trees over the trail haven't been trimmed in some time, so the entire ride was spent ducking under and around, and even through tree limbs? That's fun when you're also heading straight downhill on a rough trail.
Finally, we get to the offshoot trail that runs along a creek. After about a 3 foot ledge drop, we are at the waterfall. It's small with a lovely pool underneath. The territory here looks very close the way Daniel Boone found it, other than the evidence of the trail itself being cleared. After resting the horses here, we made our way over another rock ledge and along the creek for quite a distance. It was so lovely and cool down here, it was easy to forget the heat and humidity a couple hundred of feet above us. This was definitely worth the treacherous trip down, although my mare, who was already soaked in sweat and tired, might have begged to differ.
After riding through the bottom of this incredible, natural creek, (while dodging tree limbs and sweeping deer flies) it was time to begin our ascent. When we got to a certain point where one fork went up more in the sun, we chose the other fork, not realizing how badly it had washed out in the flood. Through another creek and up through the lower part we went, until we reached the point where the trail had one short stretch going straighter up the hill.. and we stopped and stared. It looked like a snowboarder's half-pipe! With huge boulders and rock ledges in the bottom of it.
We let the horses the rest, and made a plan. We needed to stay up on the left side of the "pipe", on the soft slope. My partner and her horse made it up just fine, but my mare was already so tired, plus carrying me, AND she is blind on the left side.. we made it about 1/3 of the way and then she dropped down in the bottom of the pipe between ledges. Luckily, it was an easy task to go back downhill here, so we went back to the bottom, and I dismounted and led her up this part. Once I was walking it myself, barely able to keep on my own feet, I was really glad I was leading her and not riding her. We made it up through the wash just fine, panted and puffed, and rode on.
A bit further we had to work our way through a downed tree, and some very tenacious vines, and we were back up on the ridge. What a ride!!
It didn't hit me until later that this particular ride was a metaphor for life. There are some beautiful parts, some scary parts, some aggravating parts, but even with the bad stuff, the good stuff makes it so worthwhile in the end!
And I am so humbled by my QH mare, who worked sooooo hard and was so exhausted by the time we got back to the truck. I'm sure this wasn't how she had envisioned spending her day.. and yet she worked so hard, and carried me around the hills and rocks safely, just because I asked her too. What a good, good girl. Horses are such a gift....
Remember several posts back when I talked about rain, and when we had a lot of rain, the bugs were just terrible? Well, add that to a very hot, VERY humid day, and the deer flies were just almost unimaginable.
But the area was beautiful: sandstone formations, red soil, rough and mostly unspoiled. Due to the heavy flooding that occurred here a few weeks ago, we expected the trails doing up and down to be washed out some, but I'm not sure we expected them to be as rough as they were. We were up to the challenge though!
It starts off simple enough: wide, cleared trails along the ridge then eroding to the sandstone foundations as you moved off the ridge. We quickly found it behooved us and our mounts to break off a long twig with plenty of leaves so we could almost constantly brush our horses ears, necks, sides, and hips to keep the blood-sucking flies off them. As we descended into the woods though, it slowly became cooler. We were riding to a small waterfall down at the bottom, close to the river and I had been warned the trail to it was pretty treacherous and washed out.
She wasn't kidding. The last part of the descent was at least 1/4 mile of very steep, rocky, washed out trail. It made our horses be very careful about where they put their feet, and the going was slow, as they had to stop and rest often, especially my mare who isn't in the best shape, and was also carrying a heavy rider. Did I mention the trees over the trail haven't been trimmed in some time, so the entire ride was spent ducking under and around, and even through tree limbs? That's fun when you're also heading straight downhill on a rough trail.
Finally, we get to the offshoot trail that runs along a creek. After about a 3 foot ledge drop, we are at the waterfall. It's small with a lovely pool underneath. The territory here looks very close the way Daniel Boone found it, other than the evidence of the trail itself being cleared. After resting the horses here, we made our way over another rock ledge and along the creek for quite a distance. It was so lovely and cool down here, it was easy to forget the heat and humidity a couple hundred of feet above us. This was definitely worth the treacherous trip down, although my mare, who was already soaked in sweat and tired, might have begged to differ.
After riding through the bottom of this incredible, natural creek, (while dodging tree limbs and sweeping deer flies) it was time to begin our ascent. When we got to a certain point where one fork went up more in the sun, we chose the other fork, not realizing how badly it had washed out in the flood. Through another creek and up through the lower part we went, until we reached the point where the trail had one short stretch going straighter up the hill.. and we stopped and stared. It looked like a snowboarder's half-pipe! With huge boulders and rock ledges in the bottom of it.
We let the horses the rest, and made a plan. We needed to stay up on the left side of the "pipe", on the soft slope. My partner and her horse made it up just fine, but my mare was already so tired, plus carrying me, AND she is blind on the left side.. we made it about 1/3 of the way and then she dropped down in the bottom of the pipe between ledges. Luckily, it was an easy task to go back downhill here, so we went back to the bottom, and I dismounted and led her up this part. Once I was walking it myself, barely able to keep on my own feet, I was really glad I was leading her and not riding her. We made it up through the wash just fine, panted and puffed, and rode on.
A bit further we had to work our way through a downed tree, and some very tenacious vines, and we were back up on the ridge. What a ride!!
It didn't hit me until later that this particular ride was a metaphor for life. There are some beautiful parts, some scary parts, some aggravating parts, but even with the bad stuff, the good stuff makes it so worthwhile in the end!
And I am so humbled by my QH mare, who worked sooooo hard and was so exhausted by the time we got back to the truck. I'm sure this wasn't how she had envisioned spending her day.. and yet she worked so hard, and carried me around the hills and rocks safely, just because I asked her too. What a good, good girl. Horses are such a gift....
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Habits
I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing here more regularly, whether I really have anything to say or not. I've found sometimes if you just sit down and start writing, a topic just appears from beneath your fingers, it's just getting started that is hard.
I'm on vacation this week, so you would think I would have even more time and desire to sit and get a few thoughts out.. but no. I'm too TIRED! My back hurts! LOL A lot of mowing, hay moving, gardening, small jobs, and of course an adequate amount of riding. (Well, not really adequate, but more than on a working week.)
The muggies have hit our area of the Bluegrass. It was 83 and 79% humidity at 10am yesterday. Got up close to 90. This means you only get done about 1/2 of what you wanted to get done, because you are sweating so profusely. Having all this moisture in the air also means there are a lot of BUGS, UGH! This also leads one to believe that you should get out and do most of your outside work in the mornings before it gets too sauna-like out there. That makes the most sense, right?
Bearing in mind on vacation, I'm usually out of bed before 7am anyway. (Funny how on vacation, I can be ready to get up, with no alarm, shortly after sunrise, but on a work week I can barely DRAG myself out of bed only 30 min earlier, with the heinous alarm.) So you would think I could go ahead and get started with the outside work early, right?
Why no. My favorite thing to do in the mornings is to make a pot of nice coffee, and sit out on the deck with a good book, and listen to the birds sing, and enjoy my morning. Enjoying the coolness, and the mist in the air as the sun comes up over the ridge behind us. See the horses emerge from the heavy mist as they come in from the pasture for a drink of water. Listen to the mockingbird go through his repertoire, which includes a meowing cat (so good it fooled us one night into thinking we had a cat stuck in our tree), and a high pitched whinny. Watch the morning turn from pink to golden to yellow, as the heavy mist slowly burns off.
That all being said, I should still be able to get going out there by 8:30am or so... but no. Evidently, I am still in transition from my former night owl to an early bird.... it's very hard to make myself get outside and do any laborious efforts until at least 10am. When it's already miserable out. And.. it's vacation! I like to kid myself into thinking if this was my "real" life, I'd be out and about very early and late, and do my inside stuff in the heat of the day... but would I really? I'm thinking not. I'm thinking I would still be outside in the heat and humidity of the day, in soaking wet clothes, with soaking wet hair, swatting at bugs, doing all the things I need to do. Yes, it was miserable up in the hayloft at 2pm yesterday, but at least I was in the shade... (it was still miserable.)
I remember many mornings spent with my Grandmother, on her front porch, doing the same. Priceless memories listening to her describe all the sounds we were hearing, what kind of bird it was, what birdhouse that family lived in (she lived in the city, but had many large trees, with feeders and birdhouses everywhere.)She was an early riser, and as she said "went to bed with the chickens". As I age, I find my bio rhythm to be inching towards that. Being a confirmed night owl at heart though, I can't seem to actually get up and do any hard labor early, and I keep telling myself I just awaken so early now from all the aches and pains of lying in the bed all night.... but it sure is peaceful and tranquil out there in the mornings, and I also get the pleasure of honoring my Grandma's memory.
I'm on vacation this week, so you would think I would have even more time and desire to sit and get a few thoughts out.. but no. I'm too TIRED! My back hurts! LOL A lot of mowing, hay moving, gardening, small jobs, and of course an adequate amount of riding. (Well, not really adequate, but more than on a working week.)
The muggies have hit our area of the Bluegrass. It was 83 and 79% humidity at 10am yesterday. Got up close to 90. This means you only get done about 1/2 of what you wanted to get done, because you are sweating so profusely. Having all this moisture in the air also means there are a lot of BUGS, UGH! This also leads one to believe that you should get out and do most of your outside work in the mornings before it gets too sauna-like out there. That makes the most sense, right?
Bearing in mind on vacation, I'm usually out of bed before 7am anyway. (Funny how on vacation, I can be ready to get up, with no alarm, shortly after sunrise, but on a work week I can barely DRAG myself out of bed only 30 min earlier, with the heinous alarm.) So you would think I could go ahead and get started with the outside work early, right?
Why no. My favorite thing to do in the mornings is to make a pot of nice coffee, and sit out on the deck with a good book, and listen to the birds sing, and enjoy my morning. Enjoying the coolness, and the mist in the air as the sun comes up over the ridge behind us. See the horses emerge from the heavy mist as they come in from the pasture for a drink of water. Listen to the mockingbird go through his repertoire, which includes a meowing cat (so good it fooled us one night into thinking we had a cat stuck in our tree), and a high pitched whinny. Watch the morning turn from pink to golden to yellow, as the heavy mist slowly burns off.
That all being said, I should still be able to get going out there by 8:30am or so... but no. Evidently, I am still in transition from my former night owl to an early bird.... it's very hard to make myself get outside and do any laborious efforts until at least 10am. When it's already miserable out. And.. it's vacation! I like to kid myself into thinking if this was my "real" life, I'd be out and about very early and late, and do my inside stuff in the heat of the day... but would I really? I'm thinking not. I'm thinking I would still be outside in the heat and humidity of the day, in soaking wet clothes, with soaking wet hair, swatting at bugs, doing all the things I need to do. Yes, it was miserable up in the hayloft at 2pm yesterday, but at least I was in the shade... (it was still miserable.)
I remember many mornings spent with my Grandmother, on her front porch, doing the same. Priceless memories listening to her describe all the sounds we were hearing, what kind of bird it was, what birdhouse that family lived in (she lived in the city, but had many large trees, with feeders and birdhouses everywhere.)She was an early riser, and as she said "went to bed with the chickens". As I age, I find my bio rhythm to be inching towards that. Being a confirmed night owl at heart though, I can't seem to actually get up and do any hard labor early, and I keep telling myself I just awaken so early now from all the aches and pains of lying in the bed all night.... but it sure is peaceful and tranquil out there in the mornings, and I also get the pleasure of honoring my Grandma's memory.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Medicine Head
Not medicine hat, like the horse, but medicine head, like the TV ad. Mucinex, 12 hr Sudaphed, Zyrtec, Advair... and oh yeah, ibuprophen to help stem the headache. Medicine head, indeed.
What is the liklihood of someone who lives in the Bluegrass State being severely allergic to Ky Bluegrass and Meadow Fescue pollen? I mean, seriously. You have to laugh!
But hey, at least I'm not allergic to horses...
And this acute phase will only last a couple of weeks. As with everything else, "and this too shall pass".
But wow, until I get used to being back on this slew of medications, scattered will be the word of the day!
What is the liklihood of someone who lives in the Bluegrass State being severely allergic to Ky Bluegrass and Meadow Fescue pollen? I mean, seriously. You have to laugh!
But hey, at least I'm not allergic to horses...
And this acute phase will only last a couple of weeks. As with everything else, "and this too shall pass".
But wow, until I get used to being back on this slew of medications, scattered will be the word of the day!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A heavy fog is shrouding the farm this morning. I can hear the frogs in the pond I cannot see, yet it is there. I cannot see the neighbor's house, yet it is there.
The horses' hazy outlines are visible through the mist, and I am filled with such a sense of peace. I wanted to sit down on the (very) wet chairs and drink in this sensation. Peace, stillness. I can't see any other part of the world except my own, at the moment. And what I see I beautiful.
The question is.. how do I get back to this "place" when the world is visibly whirring around me wildly? I do realize it's still whirring around crazily now, I just can't see it. And that's what makes all the difference.
Hm... I guess this is why some people do drugs or alcohol.. to make the rest of the world go away, but I'm convinced there is a better way.. plus, life is too precious to miss out on by numbing it away with drugs.
I read in a Siddha yoga book about visualizing the world as a large Ferris wheel. It's going to keep spinning around crazily.. the key is to visualize yourself crawling down the spokes, and making your way to the hub of the wheel... where you sit steady and calm, and the rest of the world spins around you. I admit I have used this visualization before, and it works. The key is using it enough that it becomes a practice. I'm not yet there. I still have to remind myself often that I don't have to keep sitting out there in the passenger car. That I need to make the effort to get up, crawl out of that swaying seat out on the edge, and fight my way down to the center of the wheel to where the stillness and peace lies. When I remember to think of this daily, the task is easy. I've fallen away from it for a couple of weeks in the hustle and bustle of life, and it took the awesome stillness of a thick morning fog to remind me how good it feels to be here. I'm so grateful for the fog this morning.
Now if I can just learn to deal with the concept of uncertainty in a healthy manner... ugh. That's for another blog....
The horses' hazy outlines are visible through the mist, and I am filled with such a sense of peace. I wanted to sit down on the (very) wet chairs and drink in this sensation. Peace, stillness. I can't see any other part of the world except my own, at the moment. And what I see I beautiful.
The question is.. how do I get back to this "place" when the world is visibly whirring around me wildly? I do realize it's still whirring around crazily now, I just can't see it. And that's what makes all the difference.
Hm... I guess this is why some people do drugs or alcohol.. to make the rest of the world go away, but I'm convinced there is a better way.. plus, life is too precious to miss out on by numbing it away with drugs.
I read in a Siddha yoga book about visualizing the world as a large Ferris wheel. It's going to keep spinning around crazily.. the key is to visualize yourself crawling down the spokes, and making your way to the hub of the wheel... where you sit steady and calm, and the rest of the world spins around you. I admit I have used this visualization before, and it works. The key is using it enough that it becomes a practice. I'm not yet there. I still have to remind myself often that I don't have to keep sitting out there in the passenger car. That I need to make the effort to get up, crawl out of that swaying seat out on the edge, and fight my way down to the center of the wheel to where the stillness and peace lies. When I remember to think of this daily, the task is easy. I've fallen away from it for a couple of weeks in the hustle and bustle of life, and it took the awesome stillness of a thick morning fog to remind me how good it feels to be here. I'm so grateful for the fog this morning.
Now if I can just learn to deal with the concept of uncertainty in a healthy manner... ugh. That's for another blog....
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wise words from another blog
A woman who I admire VERY much also writes a blog. She is the founder and home of Saddlebred Rescue, as well as running a lesson/training/show barn. Every single day, she gives so much of herself. Her blog sort of inspired mine, as she inspires me on a daily basis.
Today on her blog, ( http://www.northwindstables.com/blog/ ), she wrote the following:
I want to stand on my soapbox now. I have some advice; if you are mad at someone, do not and I repeat, DO NOT say mean things to them. Say what you need to say to express what you are feeling then stop and zip the mouth shut! When you are angry and go “after” the other person you are only making a bad situation worse. I find we say things that we think we mean but when we cool off we realize that those things were said only to be hurtful. Being hurtful to another person will never make you feel better, it will only cause you to become bitter and carry a grudge. Besides this, the other person usually reacts in the same way they were spoken to: hurtful, mean and angry. I am watching two people (now more) do nothing more than hurt each other for no other reason than they have their feelings hurt. I know these two like each other (as people) and it is hard to sit by and watch them both try and “PROVE who is RIGHT”. I know that both of these people were raised to be thoughtful, respectful and kind to others, so this is not the way they have been taught to treat others. I hope they can just stop the hurtfulness and just act the way they truly are inside. Respect each other!! Agree to disagree if you will. Stepping down now.
Gosh, how I wish I could have read her words and absorbed that wisdom months ago! I do know that this is the proper way to behave of course, but when anger takes over....
I just don't think we can ever be reminded enough that no matter HOW angry and hurt we may get, it's ok to speak out about how we feel, but it's never ok to lose our tempers and try to retaliate for our pain. There are other, better, ways. *repeating to self 1000 times*
About 15 years ago, I remember reading a line that literally changed my life. It said "Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right." It opened my eyes in a way they had never been opened before, and changed me for the better. And if I could just keep remembering that, and Nealia's words above when I am hurt or angry.... only good can come of it.
Today on her blog, ( http://www.northwindstables.com/blog/ ), she wrote the following:
I want to stand on my soapbox now. I have some advice; if you are mad at someone, do not and I repeat, DO NOT say mean things to them. Say what you need to say to express what you are feeling then stop and zip the mouth shut! When you are angry and go “after” the other person you are only making a bad situation worse. I find we say things that we think we mean but when we cool off we realize that those things were said only to be hurtful. Being hurtful to another person will never make you feel better, it will only cause you to become bitter and carry a grudge. Besides this, the other person usually reacts in the same way they were spoken to: hurtful, mean and angry. I am watching two people (now more) do nothing more than hurt each other for no other reason than they have their feelings hurt. I know these two like each other (as people) and it is hard to sit by and watch them both try and “PROVE who is RIGHT”. I know that both of these people were raised to be thoughtful, respectful and kind to others, so this is not the way they have been taught to treat others. I hope they can just stop the hurtfulness and just act the way they truly are inside. Respect each other!! Agree to disagree if you will. Stepping down now.
Gosh, how I wish I could have read her words and absorbed that wisdom months ago! I do know that this is the proper way to behave of course, but when anger takes over....
I just don't think we can ever be reminded enough that no matter HOW angry and hurt we may get, it's ok to speak out about how we feel, but it's never ok to lose our tempers and try to retaliate for our pain. There are other, better, ways. *repeating to self 1000 times*
About 15 years ago, I remember reading a line that literally changed my life. It said "Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right." It opened my eyes in a way they had never been opened before, and changed me for the better. And if I could just keep remembering that, and Nealia's words above when I am hurt or angry.... only good can come of it.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Natural Horsemanship
Recently, Natural Horsemanship has gotten a bad name. In many instances that bad rap has been justified. For instance, there are many "NH Followers" and even a few high-profile clinicians that have gone off to such an extreme with their "techniques", that the entire NH realm has been muddied, and this extreme goofiness is being thought of as synonymous with Natural Horsemanship. In some of these extremes, horses behaving badly get a pet and a carrot, and are treated as pets. Which can get very dangerous in a hurry.
Ray Hunt said, "A horse can make a great companion, but he doesn't make a good pet." Amen. Horses have learned how to survive and cooperate in their herd. They have the innate knowledge that they are going to either lead or follow another horse, hence the herd pecking order. A human should always be at the top of the pecking order... because if the human does not "lead" that relationship, the horse will step in and be the leader. And while you are standing beside, or are astride a 1200 lb animal who is "the leader", you might just be in grave danger indeed.
The basics of Natural Horsemanship then, are tried and true ways to relate to the horse that you are the leader, and to build respect. And to do this without the horse fearing the human. The horse wants to please, and will give all if he is guided in the right way.
Having just returned from a 4-day horsemanship clinic given by Buster McLaury, a friend and devotee of the late Ray Hunt, my next few blog entries will be an attempt to organize my thoughts and ruminations on the change in me and my horse over those 4 days. The horse I took, that would brace against the bit and seem to push against me as much as she gave in, came home very very soft from the ground and in the bridle, just from applying a few simple principles. I came home softer too (and not just from the great food we had there. ;-) ). The seeds of change have been planted, and I hope I can keep them growing.
Ray Hunt said, "A horse can make a great companion, but he doesn't make a good pet." Amen. Horses have learned how to survive and cooperate in their herd. They have the innate knowledge that they are going to either lead or follow another horse, hence the herd pecking order. A human should always be at the top of the pecking order... because if the human does not "lead" that relationship, the horse will step in and be the leader. And while you are standing beside, or are astride a 1200 lb animal who is "the leader", you might just be in grave danger indeed.
The basics of Natural Horsemanship then, are tried and true ways to relate to the horse that you are the leader, and to build respect. And to do this without the horse fearing the human. The horse wants to please, and will give all if he is guided in the right way.
Having just returned from a 4-day horsemanship clinic given by Buster McLaury, a friend and devotee of the late Ray Hunt, my next few blog entries will be an attempt to organize my thoughts and ruminations on the change in me and my horse over those 4 days. The horse I took, that would brace against the bit and seem to push against me as much as she gave in, came home very very soft from the ground and in the bridle, just from applying a few simple principles. I came home softer too (and not just from the great food we had there. ;-) ). The seeds of change have been planted, and I hope I can keep them growing.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pushing Away a Woman
A friend of mine posted this as her status on Facebook recently: "You can only push a woman away for so long until she finally walks out of your life. So be careful, make sure its what you want. Because once she turns her back on you, to her back is where you'll stay."
Isn't that the truth? How many of us are like that? I know I certainly am. It made me think about how much women WILL do to try to make things work for people who are important to us. The effort we will make to try to preserve a friendship. Especially when we can see beyond the current issue and see the layers underneath, giving us some understanding and insight into that person.
At some time in a difficult relationship though, there is a tipping point. When I think back and remember what made me "tip over" regarding the people I have walked away from, the people themselves and the situations have little in common with each other. I guess this means that each individual relationship had it's own point where I, as a woman, had to make a conscious decision to let it go and move on with my life.
And I do notice that as I've aged, I'm much more choosy about who I let inside in the first place. This makes me tend to fight that much harder to keep it. If I made a conscious decision to let them in to the sanctity of what is me... and I obviously felt they were worthy of that, and it was beneficial to both of us, then it is a rare, precious thing. Something worth holding on to.
But, people change. Circumstances change. Sometimes we drift apart, which is part of the cycle of life. Sometimes we get pushed out, or push someone else out.... and that's where it gets painful. And then once we are pushed enough, we're through. Out. Done. With no going back.
I'm so thankful for my husband and the people in my life who love me as I am, and are so good to me. I'm so fortunate to have this. To feel secure in my small circle of friends, and the people who bring me warmth, love, and laughter. And for me to multiply and return that back to those who are close by and appreciate it.
And for those that don't and who have pushed me out... I wish I could say the loss is all yours. But in reality, the majority of the time, we both lost.
Life is short.
Isn't that the truth? How many of us are like that? I know I certainly am. It made me think about how much women WILL do to try to make things work for people who are important to us. The effort we will make to try to preserve a friendship. Especially when we can see beyond the current issue and see the layers underneath, giving us some understanding and insight into that person.
At some time in a difficult relationship though, there is a tipping point. When I think back and remember what made me "tip over" regarding the people I have walked away from, the people themselves and the situations have little in common with each other. I guess this means that each individual relationship had it's own point where I, as a woman, had to make a conscious decision to let it go and move on with my life.
And I do notice that as I've aged, I'm much more choosy about who I let inside in the first place. This makes me tend to fight that much harder to keep it. If I made a conscious decision to let them in to the sanctity of what is me... and I obviously felt they were worthy of that, and it was beneficial to both of us, then it is a rare, precious thing. Something worth holding on to.
But, people change. Circumstances change. Sometimes we drift apart, which is part of the cycle of life. Sometimes we get pushed out, or push someone else out.... and that's where it gets painful. And then once we are pushed enough, we're through. Out. Done. With no going back.
I'm so thankful for my husband and the people in my life who love me as I am, and are so good to me. I'm so fortunate to have this. To feel secure in my small circle of friends, and the people who bring me warmth, love, and laughter. And for me to multiply and return that back to those who are close by and appreciate it.
And for those that don't and who have pushed me out... I wish I could say the loss is all yours. But in reality, the majority of the time, we both lost.
Life is short.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My search for Divinity
Some time ago, a columnist in the local paper asked his readers what they thought the difference between religious and spiritual is. I have always thought of myself as spiritual more so than religious, so this piqued my interest. You see, he is the pastor of a very small church, and having been through his wife’s devastating illness and ultimate death while still a young man, he had learned he had a strength that he never knew he had. Yet, there were times he despaired against God for making his wife and family suffer so. Still, religion was his life. He wanted to reach out to those people who avoided coming to church by saying they were very spiritual but not religious. How could he reach them? While reading through his column the next week, one of the responses electrified me.
“Religion is for people who don’t want to go to hell. Spiritualism is for those of us who have been there.”
Hello. That’s me. Or well, it was. It was the beginning of my journey to develop and cement my own personal beliefs, to reconcile them with the rigid confines of the religions I had grown up in and been exposed to. My issues with organized religions were complex, but the foremost issue was the paradox of how any place that considers itself a place of worship and holiness could exclude and judge so many people. Aren’t we taught that God loves all of us? That God loves us and does so without judgment? That God wants us to love the goodness and the humanness in our fellow man? That we are all worthy of salvation, and that we may all find different paths to get there? I certainly heard these things, but never saw this type of unconditional love and acceptance actually in practice in any of the churches I had been in. And thus began my path to find my own way to the divine, and in the process to find myself.
And yes, years later, I know myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And oh yes there are ugly parts, but as a human we all have them, and I am struggling with learning to come to terms with them, a process that will last my whole life. Which isn’t a bad place to be in… when we achieve perfection, we no longer are of this earth. At that point, we no longer need to be here. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I read the following concepts in Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” and they stuck with me:
The Hopi Indians believed that each of the religions in the universe contained a single thread. The also believed that these threads were constantly seeking each other, and if they were to ever join together, they would weave into a rope that would pull us out of the darkness and into the new realm.
Even in recent times, the Dalai Lama has proclaimed repeatedly that you do not have to be a Tibetan Buddhist to walk the path of enlightenment. He encourages his students to take bits and pieces out of Buddhism that ring true for them, and integrate them with other religious (or spiritual) practices they possess. Wow! What radically different concepts than ones that were hammered into me at an early age. And what realistic and practical ones! So, my journey began, to ”choose” my religion. And at last I felt free to do so.
In my search for the Divine, I put together many thoughts and beliefs that I had carried bits and pieces of throughout my life, and wove them in with other threads I learned along the way in my search. My beliefs are also not set in stone, nor do I believe they are the same for everyone. Each of us can find salvation (the Christian term) or enlightenment (the Buddhist and other Far East word) if we follow our own path.
Here are my threads:
“Religion is for people who don’t want to go to hell. Spiritualism is for those of us who have been there.”
Hello. That’s me. Or well, it was. It was the beginning of my journey to develop and cement my own personal beliefs, to reconcile them with the rigid confines of the religions I had grown up in and been exposed to. My issues with organized religions were complex, but the foremost issue was the paradox of how any place that considers itself a place of worship and holiness could exclude and judge so many people. Aren’t we taught that God loves all of us? That God loves us and does so without judgment? That God wants us to love the goodness and the humanness in our fellow man? That we are all worthy of salvation, and that we may all find different paths to get there? I certainly heard these things, but never saw this type of unconditional love and acceptance actually in practice in any of the churches I had been in. And thus began my path to find my own way to the divine, and in the process to find myself.
And yes, years later, I know myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And oh yes there are ugly parts, but as a human we all have them, and I am struggling with learning to come to terms with them, a process that will last my whole life. Which isn’t a bad place to be in… when we achieve perfection, we no longer are of this earth. At that point, we no longer need to be here. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I read the following concepts in Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” and they stuck with me:
The Hopi Indians believed that each of the religions in the universe contained a single thread. The also believed that these threads were constantly seeking each other, and if they were to ever join together, they would weave into a rope that would pull us out of the darkness and into the new realm.
Even in recent times, the Dalai Lama has proclaimed repeatedly that you do not have to be a Tibetan Buddhist to walk the path of enlightenment. He encourages his students to take bits and pieces out of Buddhism that ring true for them, and integrate them with other religious (or spiritual) practices they possess. Wow! What radically different concepts than ones that were hammered into me at an early age. And what realistic and practical ones! So, my journey began, to ”choose” my religion. And at last I felt free to do so.
In my search for the Divine, I put together many thoughts and beliefs that I had carried bits and pieces of throughout my life, and wove them in with other threads I learned along the way in my search. My beliefs are also not set in stone, nor do I believe they are the same for everyone. Each of us can find salvation (the Christian term) or enlightenment (the Buddhist and other Far East word) if we follow our own path.
Here are my threads:
- I believe that Heaven is what happens to our souls once we have learned all the lessons God needs us to know.
- I believe that some people go their whole lives and still don’t learn the lessons God wants us to learn. These souls come back again and again until they (we) learn the lessons we were put here to learn.
- I believe that Hell is what we live through here on earth while we are learning how to be loving, giving humans. Sometimes this Hell is out of our control, such as when we are children, or otherwise vulnerable. Often it is something we create for ourselves.
- I believe that our greatest enemies our ourselves. That until we learn to love ourselves, we will never learn how to truly love others. But that God loves us unconditionally, at all times, and there is always a master plan, for the greater good. That plan might not me good for me at this moment, but we are not in this alone.
- I believe that at any point in our lives, no matter what we are doing, that where I am at right now.. that God had this in his plan for me, and drew a circle in the dirt of where I stand. Right now.
- I believe that misery in any form stains the collective consciousness. That God wants us to search for happiness, for the greater good of ALL people and mankind. That this search for happiness and actualization teaches us the lessons we know to be happy forever in Heaven.
- I believe that true Divinity comes from within us. It is in all of us. It can be seen in all living creatures. We must learn to love life.
- I believe that people come into your life for a reason, to fill a need, to teach you, to turn your life upside down - whatever it takes for you to learn the lesson of life and love. There will be people in your life that hurt you. You will hurt others. It’s all a part of the master plan for mankind to learn the art of forgiveness, humility, self-worth, and unconditional love.
- I also believe that in many ways we ARE the masters of our own destinies. We have to work and search to learn the lessons we need to learn to love ourselves and love others. Sometimes we will give up on someone too soon, but maybe that is so next time we will dig in and follow our heart, follow the voice inside that says “Try one more time”. Maybe our lesson is to learn to let something go and walk away, and we will do that too.
- I believe in life you run into certain special people who will change your life forever. Are these angels? Soulmates? These are people that act as a mirror to your own soul and character, and reflect back to you the things to help you learn what you are supposed to learn.
- I believe that the person that we are meant to be someday helps pull us through our obstacles to get to that place. “Eat, Pray, Love” refers to a story in which the Zen Buddhists have a fable about an oak tree that represents this. This fable says that an oak tree is not only brought into being by the acorn holding all it’s potential, from whence it sprouts, but also the force of the future tree itself. The mighty, mature oak who wants so badly to exist that it acts on the acorn, and then the seedling, the young tree.. pulling and guiding it into maturity. The force inside us, pulling and guiding us into the person we need to become, is the Divinity within us, and is a mighty force in our lives.
- I believe we each have our own path to the Divine. I believe we must each break out of our barriers, throw down our boundaries, and dare ourselves to discover who we are.
The ironic part is that in searching for the “Divine”, I learned that really, the search for divinity and peace isn’t something you can find on the outside. The divinity is within. It is within each and every one of us. I never understood before when I would read “God dwells within us”, until I thought of it as… when I walk on the street, God feels the earth with my feet because he cannot. When I look into the soulful eyes of my horses, I see God’s love reflected back through them. We are not perfect. We are human. God loves us. It is his “job” to love us. It is our job to go through life and learn to love others. And we have to start with ourselves.
Ref: Gilbert, Elizabeth. "Eat, Pray, Love", ISBN-13: 978-0143038412
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Almost full circle.. but not quite
Those of you who have raised your own foals know the satisfaction that comes from a successful birth. From the time the pregnancy is confirmed, to following the pregnancy, waiting anxiously for the blessed wee foal to arrive, (never mind the anxiety and the sleep deprivation that go along with that, more on that later), the thrill of seeing a new life emerge and a new personality take shape. The hours and hours and hours upon hours of daily care, handling, gently teaching, shaping, guiding their young equine life so they have the best chance to live a good life, loved by good people.
We have always put a LOT of time into our foals. It terrifies me knowing that even great horses can end up in bad hands or bad circumstances. It is my job as a breeder to make sure our foals have the BEST start in life, and are willing, easy to teach, a pleasure to be around, and are a comfortable and drama free ride later in their lives. While any horse can fall into a bad situation, it's so much easier to find available homes for smart, trained, willing horses than unhandled or aggressive ones. It is not only my job, it is my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to these lives I have had a hand in creating.
We have not produced a foal in the last two years, with the economy and the horse market both crashing. The foals we have produced are in good hands, in performance homes, and every horse we sell (foal or adult) is sold with a right-of-first-refusal. While we can't do everything to keep one of ours from slipping through the cracks, we do all we can. I still have not started up our breeding program again... it's very expensive, and there is still a glut of good horses on the market priced much cheaper than it would be for me to produce one. The market seems to be recovering, but it will have to recover a lot more for me to get back into it.
But.. there is nothing else like producing your own, and raising them right from the beginning. There are no "other people's problems" to fix. There is the immense satisfaction of watching your youngster turn into a willing, pleasant, teachable equine who will hopefully bring someone a boatload of joy, and possibly even win them a few ribbons.
The very first foal we bred for is still with us. She is 4 now, and while she has had several interested buyers, there were some I felt was not a good fit and wouldn't sell to, and others who passed her over in the search for their perfect horse. I always did in my heart want to keep this one, she is extraordinary. However, being a "commercial" farm also means you have to take your heart out of at times and let them go. She is the only homebred we still have.
In November of her 2nd year, she suffered a devastating freak accident. Sliding around the corner of the barn, she slid and jammed a stick up in her hoof adjacent to her frog. Of course, the stick broke off and the frog closed back over, and if I wouldn't have heard the "pop" I wouldn't have known when it happened at all other than she was 3 legged lame in 10 minutes. Upon exam, (no evidence of a breach in the sole at this time), a coffin bone fracture was suspected. Long story long, 8 days later the hoof avulsed enough that the stick was finally caught on a hoof knife on that daily exam. Almost 2" of broken stick, and partially rotted fragments. The infection was immense. She was given a very grim prognosis. Even survival was suspect, and the chance of soundness close to nil.
She had some great things going for her. She was smart about being confined, and protected herself by lying down frequently. She was good taking her bute, and 5 weeks of daily shots of Naxcel. She was sensible when we were able to turn her out with a hospital plate on. Every day that went by that she still was bright and alert and fighting to live added a bit to her chances...
Let me pause here to say the effort on our part was exhausting. Hours and hours of daily care for weeks, on top of full time jobs, and a farm to maintain. It was expensive, too. We never once thought about giving up on her. It was all up to her.
Fast forward 18 months. Our filly, our beautiful miracle horse, is completing her first round of training under saddle. We found a wonderful trainer we could entrust with her, and are very blessed for that. She is sound. She is healthy. She is awesome.
Last night, on a trail ride with her trainer, myself, and another friend.. I got to ride my girl on a 'real' ride for the very first time. For over 2 miles of a 4 mile ride.... I got the immense pleasure of seeing the fruits of our labors. The months of planning, the years of effort, the weeks of uncertainty and heartbreak surrounding her injury.. faded into the here and now. She is soft, willing, and responsive. A dream. My dream.
Soon, after a 4 day Horsemanship Clinic at the end of this month, our "baby" will be coming home to us for a few months before continuing advanced training later this year. I can't wait to have her in my daily life again, and to start this new chapter in our lives.... soon, soon, we will be full circle.
We have always put a LOT of time into our foals. It terrifies me knowing that even great horses can end up in bad hands or bad circumstances. It is my job as a breeder to make sure our foals have the BEST start in life, and are willing, easy to teach, a pleasure to be around, and are a comfortable and drama free ride later in their lives. While any horse can fall into a bad situation, it's so much easier to find available homes for smart, trained, willing horses than unhandled or aggressive ones. It is not only my job, it is my DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to these lives I have had a hand in creating.
We have not produced a foal in the last two years, with the economy and the horse market both crashing. The foals we have produced are in good hands, in performance homes, and every horse we sell (foal or adult) is sold with a right-of-first-refusal. While we can't do everything to keep one of ours from slipping through the cracks, we do all we can. I still have not started up our breeding program again... it's very expensive, and there is still a glut of good horses on the market priced much cheaper than it would be for me to produce one. The market seems to be recovering, but it will have to recover a lot more for me to get back into it.
But.. there is nothing else like producing your own, and raising them right from the beginning. There are no "other people's problems" to fix. There is the immense satisfaction of watching your youngster turn into a willing, pleasant, teachable equine who will hopefully bring someone a boatload of joy, and possibly even win them a few ribbons.
The very first foal we bred for is still with us. She is 4 now, and while she has had several interested buyers, there were some I felt was not a good fit and wouldn't sell to, and others who passed her over in the search for their perfect horse. I always did in my heart want to keep this one, she is extraordinary. However, being a "commercial" farm also means you have to take your heart out of at times and let them go. She is the only homebred we still have.
In November of her 2nd year, she suffered a devastating freak accident. Sliding around the corner of the barn, she slid and jammed a stick up in her hoof adjacent to her frog. Of course, the stick broke off and the frog closed back over, and if I wouldn't have heard the "pop" I wouldn't have known when it happened at all other than she was 3 legged lame in 10 minutes. Upon exam, (no evidence of a breach in the sole at this time), a coffin bone fracture was suspected. Long story long, 8 days later the hoof avulsed enough that the stick was finally caught on a hoof knife on that daily exam. Almost 2" of broken stick, and partially rotted fragments. The infection was immense. She was given a very grim prognosis. Even survival was suspect, and the chance of soundness close to nil.
She had some great things going for her. She was smart about being confined, and protected herself by lying down frequently. She was good taking her bute, and 5 weeks of daily shots of Naxcel. She was sensible when we were able to turn her out with a hospital plate on. Every day that went by that she still was bright and alert and fighting to live added a bit to her chances...
Let me pause here to say the effort on our part was exhausting. Hours and hours of daily care for weeks, on top of full time jobs, and a farm to maintain. It was expensive, too. We never once thought about giving up on her. It was all up to her.
Fast forward 18 months. Our filly, our beautiful miracle horse, is completing her first round of training under saddle. We found a wonderful trainer we could entrust with her, and are very blessed for that. She is sound. She is healthy. She is awesome.
Last night, on a trail ride with her trainer, myself, and another friend.. I got to ride my girl on a 'real' ride for the very first time. For over 2 miles of a 4 mile ride.... I got the immense pleasure of seeing the fruits of our labors. The months of planning, the years of effort, the weeks of uncertainty and heartbreak surrounding her injury.. faded into the here and now. She is soft, willing, and responsive. A dream. My dream.
Soon, after a 4 day Horsemanship Clinic at the end of this month, our "baby" will be coming home to us for a few months before continuing advanced training later this year. I can't wait to have her in my daily life again, and to start this new chapter in our lives.... soon, soon, we will be full circle.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Extended Equine Weekend
A day off on Friday, a trip to Equine Affaire with my husband, followed by two days of trail riding! What a fantastic 4 days! Does it get any better? Well, only maybe if I wouldn't have had to work today, but that is what pays the bills. (Oh yeah, those.)
Oh, to have the freedom to be able to ride every day! Not that I actually would ride every day if I did, but I would do "something horse" every day. There are so many things I want to do with my horses: groundwork, specific exercises, different places to ride. Each of them, even the boarder, have a few issues I would love to have the time to work on. And, plenty of time to just leisurely groom them. Or watch them munch their hay. Appreciate the eagerness on their faces when I bring out carrots. And the very best.. when they do something willingly that I have been working on.. (for example, a horse who has been difficult to load finally willingly loading themselves in the trailer),.. and you realize they are really just doing everything they do for you.... just to please their human. If that's not one of the most incredibly humbling feelings on this earth, I don't know what is.
Oh, to have the freedom to be able to ride every day! Not that I actually would ride every day if I did, but I would do "something horse" every day. There are so many things I want to do with my horses: groundwork, specific exercises, different places to ride. Each of them, even the boarder, have a few issues I would love to have the time to work on. And, plenty of time to just leisurely groom them. Or watch them munch their hay. Appreciate the eagerness on their faces when I bring out carrots. And the very best.. when they do something willingly that I have been working on.. (for example, a horse who has been difficult to load finally willingly loading themselves in the trailer),.. and you realize they are really just doing everything they do for you.... just to please their human. If that's not one of the most incredibly humbling feelings on this earth, I don't know what is.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Seeing Clearly
From the Horse Whisperer:
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It is about what is going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."
Seeing clearly, isn't that the trick? Going beyond our mortal yearnings, sifting through our thoughts and feelings to try to figure out if something is truly in our heart, or if it's veiled with "the way it should be", or "the way it's expected".
I learned a long time ago to always be true to myself. It is very true that the pain is greater if you are not, and since that time have been at peace with and comfortable with my true self. I am able to see myself quite clearly. I don't always like what I see in there, but those are opportunities to either accept those things, or make the effort to change them. I have done both, and have experienced amazing growth and healing.
But..... As I get older, I wonder.. at what cost? At what cost to those around you? Where do you draw the line between staying true to yourself yet fulfill your obligations and stay mindful of the feelings of others? And for the first time, I am wondering... maybe surrendering to your true self ISN'T always the right answer. Or maybe at the end of the day, it is. Only time will tell.
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It is about what is going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."
Seeing clearly, isn't that the trick? Going beyond our mortal yearnings, sifting through our thoughts and feelings to try to figure out if something is truly in our heart, or if it's veiled with "the way it should be", or "the way it's expected".
I learned a long time ago to always be true to myself. It is very true that the pain is greater if you are not, and since that time have been at peace with and comfortable with my true self. I am able to see myself quite clearly. I don't always like what I see in there, but those are opportunities to either accept those things, or make the effort to change them. I have done both, and have experienced amazing growth and healing.
But..... As I get older, I wonder.. at what cost? At what cost to those around you? Where do you draw the line between staying true to yourself yet fulfill your obligations and stay mindful of the feelings of others? And for the first time, I am wondering... maybe surrendering to your true self ISN'T always the right answer. Or maybe at the end of the day, it is. Only time will tell.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Eden
Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk. Well, I didn't exactly wake up in fresh funk, it was left over from the night before, when my husband and I were "discussing" the separation of domestic duties, among other things. Since he can't defend himself here, I will refrain from any details other than to say I have changed dramatically over the past 10 years, and my needs in life and a partner have changed as well. We have grown apart, and we need to decide where to go from here. We do love each other very much, but wonder if that's enough... I can not imagine my life without him in it. I also can't imagine going on the way things are now. There are other considerations going on timing-wise. We are not in a hurry to make any kind of permanent decision one way or the other, but the possibility is there...
So, I was now in "slept-on" funk, and my mind could NOT stop. Luckily, I had a riding date with my neighbor. We were supposed to meet there at 11, and I was ready very early, so arrived there early. On the drive, of course my mind raced with questions and possibilities of the future, and the very real fear of possibly having to start completely over....
Once I pulled into the parking and unloaded my mare, the beauty of the area and the warm sunshine brought me back to the moment. The next 40 minutes of pampering my horse, and letting her graze started easing the tension and stilling my mind. By the time my neighbor got there, I was at least in a positive emotional plane, and our ride began.
The trail we usually take had been expanded in the last year, and we took the long way around. On a regular day, it is a beautiful ride. On the 2nd of April, with a temp of 82, all of the ground a vivid green, and all the spring wildflowers blooming, it was spectacular. Our mounts were enjoying the ride as much as we were, and it was all about the moment.
About halfway around the loop, there is an out-and-back trail that goes past some old calcite mines and down into a bottom with a couple of creek crossings. My neighbor suggested we try it, she had been down there 4-5 years ago and said it was really pretty. After giving the horses a break, we started down this trail. It was downhill, and part of the trail very rocky. The horses were eager to descend into the shade, and we motored on down. After passing several large holes in the ground where the calcite was mined back in the day, we turned the corner and out of the side of a tree-covered hill, a gorge appeared. Everything was a vivid green, even the rock cliffs. The trail went right into this mini-gorge, the sides rising above us like a cathedral. A cathedral of rock, covered with lichen, and little white spring wildflowers.. words and pictures cannot describe it. We arrived at the bottom, with a couple of creek crossings with large deep pools visible near the crossing. My mare loves the water, and we paused to let her get about belly deep, and paw and splash and play for several minutes. Both of them were quite thirsty too so they drank up. There was a nice flat area there suitable for tying up the horses and having a little picnic, so we made plans to do this again. Down here in Eden, it was like the civilized world didn't even exist, framed in this cathedral of cliffs and trees and green, complete with babbling creek. The sense of peace was amazing and very soothing.
After enjoying this idyllic setting for awhile, it was time to truk back up the hill and continue our ride. As we left the gorge part and turned the corner, I turned around and watched the crease in the earth disappear behind us. A few feet further and it just looked like a regular wooded hill again. You would have never known it was there, unless you made the effort to go check it out.
What a metaphor that is for life! To try to be in the present, in the moment, and enjoy the peace of your surroundings. And if you make the effort, peace is there. You just have to look for it and take the chance of putting in the work to find it.
7 1/2 miles later, back at the parking lot, my worries from the night before and morning had evaporated. In fact, after about 10 minutes into the ride, they never even entered my mind again for the whole ride. For a few hours, all the rest of the world evaporated and it was only us, nature, and our horses. I am refreshed and at peace again.
So, I was now in "slept-on" funk, and my mind could NOT stop. Luckily, I had a riding date with my neighbor. We were supposed to meet there at 11, and I was ready very early, so arrived there early. On the drive, of course my mind raced with questions and possibilities of the future, and the very real fear of possibly having to start completely over....
Once I pulled into the parking and unloaded my mare, the beauty of the area and the warm sunshine brought me back to the moment. The next 40 minutes of pampering my horse, and letting her graze started easing the tension and stilling my mind. By the time my neighbor got there, I was at least in a positive emotional plane, and our ride began.
The trail we usually take had been expanded in the last year, and we took the long way around. On a regular day, it is a beautiful ride. On the 2nd of April, with a temp of 82, all of the ground a vivid green, and all the spring wildflowers blooming, it was spectacular. Our mounts were enjoying the ride as much as we were, and it was all about the moment.
About halfway around the loop, there is an out-and-back trail that goes past some old calcite mines and down into a bottom with a couple of creek crossings. My neighbor suggested we try it, she had been down there 4-5 years ago and said it was really pretty. After giving the horses a break, we started down this trail. It was downhill, and part of the trail very rocky. The horses were eager to descend into the shade, and we motored on down. After passing several large holes in the ground where the calcite was mined back in the day, we turned the corner and out of the side of a tree-covered hill, a gorge appeared. Everything was a vivid green, even the rock cliffs. The trail went right into this mini-gorge, the sides rising above us like a cathedral. A cathedral of rock, covered with lichen, and little white spring wildflowers.. words and pictures cannot describe it. We arrived at the bottom, with a couple of creek crossings with large deep pools visible near the crossing. My mare loves the water, and we paused to let her get about belly deep, and paw and splash and play for several minutes. Both of them were quite thirsty too so they drank up. There was a nice flat area there suitable for tying up the horses and having a little picnic, so we made plans to do this again. Down here in Eden, it was like the civilized world didn't even exist, framed in this cathedral of cliffs and trees and green, complete with babbling creek. The sense of peace was amazing and very soothing.
After enjoying this idyllic setting for awhile, it was time to truk back up the hill and continue our ride. As we left the gorge part and turned the corner, I turned around and watched the crease in the earth disappear behind us. A few feet further and it just looked like a regular wooded hill again. You would have never known it was there, unless you made the effort to go check it out.
What a metaphor that is for life! To try to be in the present, in the moment, and enjoy the peace of your surroundings. And if you make the effort, peace is there. You just have to look for it and take the chance of putting in the work to find it.
7 1/2 miles later, back at the parking lot, my worries from the night before and morning had evaporated. In fact, after about 10 minutes into the ride, they never even entered my mind again for the whole ride. For a few hours, all the rest of the world evaporated and it was only us, nature, and our horses. I am refreshed and at peace again.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Asparagus!
It is with great pleasure and satisfaction I announce that yesterday evening marked the first asparagus harvest of 2010! (Ok, that's a little grandiose... the "harvest" was only one beautiful 5" sprig, but it was still exciting.) It was delicious broken into tiny pieces and added to my salad.
This year will be the first year we can heavily harvest this bed, just beginning its 3rd year in the ground. (Hint: Spending a little more money up front and getting the 3 yr old crowns initially pays off a year quicker in harvest. too.) There are about 8 plants in this one, and I see about a dozen fat little spears poking up through the sandy soil now. The younger plants in the next bed are 2 this year, and we will be able to pick and choose a few select spears.
I wish I could tell you what the varieties are, but of course I can't remember. (See previous post.) This is made more humorous by the that fact I researched asparagus varieties for weeks before choosing exactly what to plant, and while the older ones are rather purplish, and I think there are a few Martha Washington's in there filling up the spaces that didn't "take", the two main varieties are now anybody's guess.
In any case, we've waited a long time to have our fill of home grown, organic asparagus, and looks like this could be our year. In fact, with 20 plants, in a couple of years we might be buried in it! It's the most satisfying part of growing your own food.
I'd like to get a strawberry bed going this year, but I need suggestions on a good variety. I'm not into the everbearing kind, I'd rather have many sweet, larger ones once a year than pick small, constant yields all year.
I am so thankful it's spring! Finally!
This year will be the first year we can heavily harvest this bed, just beginning its 3rd year in the ground. (Hint: Spending a little more money up front and getting the 3 yr old crowns initially pays off a year quicker in harvest. too.) There are about 8 plants in this one, and I see about a dozen fat little spears poking up through the sandy soil now. The younger plants in the next bed are 2 this year, and we will be able to pick and choose a few select spears.
I wish I could tell you what the varieties are, but of course I can't remember. (See previous post.) This is made more humorous by the that fact I researched asparagus varieties for weeks before choosing exactly what to plant, and while the older ones are rather purplish, and I think there are a few Martha Washington's in there filling up the spaces that didn't "take", the two main varieties are now anybody's guess.
In any case, we've waited a long time to have our fill of home grown, organic asparagus, and looks like this could be our year. In fact, with 20 plants, in a couple of years we might be buried in it! It's the most satisfying part of growing your own food.
I'd like to get a strawberry bed going this year, but I need suggestions on a good variety. I'm not into the everbearing kind, I'd rather have many sweet, larger ones once a year than pick small, constant yields all year.
I am so thankful it's spring! Finally!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Brain Lapse
I've always had a hard time keeping up with dates, unless I physically see them on a calendar. Must be a "visual" thing. I go along in life most of the time with a vague idea of where we are in a calendar month, although most (but not all) of the time I do realize what day of the week it is. It goes without saying, that if I did not use Quicken to keep up with the bills, they would never be paid on time, but only because of that vague notion I have of the date. Thank heavens for Quicken!
Of COURSE it's become even worse since in the last few years, how could it not, being over 40 and all? :-)
Even after paying all the bills on Saturday morning, including the house payment, due on the 1st, (because Quicken reminded me it was time, not because I really absorbed the 1st of April was so impending), I was still in the vague notion that we were in the "middle" or "late middle" of March. Thus, when I received my invitation earlier last week about a home party of friend of mine was giving for March 28th, I had it in my head it was not THIS weekend, but NEXT weekend. For some reason, I never managed to get my calendar updated, because, see, I thought I had another week to do it. I did go on and tell the hostess I would attend however.
Imagine my horror when, yesterday afternoon, while working through loads of laundry and watching the ballgames, I get a text from my friend "Are you coming?" I think "What the... it's next Sund.... OOhhhhhhhhhhhh EEEEEEEK!!!!" as the realization hits that I just stood them up.
Now, those of you who know I'm a Tupperware consultant, rest assured it was not a Tupperware party, and I was not actually the SALES consultant for this party. I was merely to be attending as a guest. However... HAD it been a Tupperware party that I was supposed to be there as the seller, I would have STILL completely forgotten. Because of course, I thought it was NEXT Sunday.
Through my mortification, I do have to laugh at myself. Did I not write out a deposit slip AND a check on Saturday that said "March 27"? Yes, I did. Of course, I was just looking at the date in Quicken and copied it down, and didn't "absorb" it.
There's more. Yesterday morning, my husband and I were doing what we do every Sunday from middle/late winter through spring... counting hay bales and stressing. Do we have enough? Do we not? Is there too much, did we overbuy? What if we have an extended cold snap in April like 2 years ago? What about that clinic I'm going to for 4 days and will be stalling a horse there, do we enough on hand to account for that also? The trail rides that I need hay bags for. Do we have a few extra to sell to our neighbor who needs some? What if it doesn't rain much this spring and they don't get a first cutting until later this year... yada yada ad nauseum, and yes we do this EVERY WEEK until the grass has come in enough that we can quit feeding hay for the summer. (Unless there is a drought, see previous post about farmers never being happy with the amount of rain.)
ANYWAY... we were counting bales in the loft from the ground, which adds even another interesting dimension to it, (are there two layers in that part... ok.. now does it go over 7 or 8? Did I mention we do this EVERY week, and it's not like the bales we are counting have moved themselves since the last week, but see... we can't REMEMBER from the week before..), and we said.. "Ok.. we are at Mid-March.. two more weeks, and the first two weeks into April.. then this many for the clinic... and this many for..."
Did anyone else catch the "Mid-March"? Now, to defend my husband, he had just arrived home in the previous hour from spending the night caring for his Dad and was operating on a few minutes of dozing here and there all night.... but I had just the previous day written out checks with "March 27th" on them...
And does anyone else wonder why we have to count the hay every week? Makes sense that we buy a certain number of bales, we know how many we use each week.. just subtract that from the total number, right? And then... perhaps every 6 weeks or so do a good count just to make sure. That makes sense, right? Well, that only makes sense when you aren't over 40 and forget how many you counted the week before. Could we write it down? Or even.. have a dry erase board in the barn? Why sure, but we keep forgetting to buy one. So until Quicken comes up with something that will connect to the barn loft and download the number of bales automatically, we will continue our weekly stressing.
Anyway.... wanted to get this post on brain lapses up before I forgot. :-D
Have a wonderful day!
Of COURSE it's become even worse since in the last few years, how could it not, being over 40 and all? :-)
Even after paying all the bills on Saturday morning, including the house payment, due on the 1st, (because Quicken reminded me it was time, not because I really absorbed the 1st of April was so impending), I was still in the vague notion that we were in the "middle" or "late middle" of March. Thus, when I received my invitation earlier last week about a home party of friend of mine was giving for March 28th, I had it in my head it was not THIS weekend, but NEXT weekend. For some reason, I never managed to get my calendar updated, because, see, I thought I had another week to do it. I did go on and tell the hostess I would attend however.
Imagine my horror when, yesterday afternoon, while working through loads of laundry and watching the ballgames, I get a text from my friend "Are you coming?" I think "What the... it's next Sund.... OOhhhhhhhhhhhh EEEEEEEK!!!!" as the realization hits that I just stood them up.
Now, those of you who know I'm a Tupperware consultant, rest assured it was not a Tupperware party, and I was not actually the SALES consultant for this party. I was merely to be attending as a guest. However... HAD it been a Tupperware party that I was supposed to be there as the seller, I would have STILL completely forgotten. Because of course, I thought it was NEXT Sunday.
Through my mortification, I do have to laugh at myself. Did I not write out a deposit slip AND a check on Saturday that said "March 27"? Yes, I did. Of course, I was just looking at the date in Quicken and copied it down, and didn't "absorb" it.
There's more. Yesterday morning, my husband and I were doing what we do every Sunday from middle/late winter through spring... counting hay bales and stressing. Do we have enough? Do we not? Is there too much, did we overbuy? What if we have an extended cold snap in April like 2 years ago? What about that clinic I'm going to for 4 days and will be stalling a horse there, do we enough on hand to account for that also? The trail rides that I need hay bags for. Do we have a few extra to sell to our neighbor who needs some? What if it doesn't rain much this spring and they don't get a first cutting until later this year... yada yada ad nauseum, and yes we do this EVERY WEEK until the grass has come in enough that we can quit feeding hay for the summer. (Unless there is a drought, see previous post about farmers never being happy with the amount of rain.)
ANYWAY... we were counting bales in the loft from the ground, which adds even another interesting dimension to it, (are there two layers in that part... ok.. now does it go over 7 or 8? Did I mention we do this EVERY week, and it's not like the bales we are counting have moved themselves since the last week, but see... we can't REMEMBER from the week before..), and we said.. "Ok.. we are at Mid-March.. two more weeks, and the first two weeks into April.. then this many for the clinic... and this many for..."
Did anyone else catch the "Mid-March"? Now, to defend my husband, he had just arrived home in the previous hour from spending the night caring for his Dad and was operating on a few minutes of dozing here and there all night.... but I had just the previous day written out checks with "March 27th" on them...
And does anyone else wonder why we have to count the hay every week? Makes sense that we buy a certain number of bales, we know how many we use each week.. just subtract that from the total number, right? And then... perhaps every 6 weeks or so do a good count just to make sure. That makes sense, right? Well, that only makes sense when you aren't over 40 and forget how many you counted the week before. Could we write it down? Or even.. have a dry erase board in the barn? Why sure, but we keep forgetting to buy one. So until Quicken comes up with something that will connect to the barn loft and download the number of bales automatically, we will continue our weekly stressing.
Anyway.... wanted to get this post on brain lapses up before I forgot. :-D
Have a wonderful day!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Spring rains
After a gorgeous day yesterday, the rains came today. Usually I would grumble about rain on a weekend, but 1)we had the best day yesterday, and 2) we actually need the rain.
Farmers are hardly ever satisfied with the amount of moisture. There is either too much or not enough! The selfish part of me prefers "not enough" in one respect - no mud, less bugs, less mowing. However, it makes the cost of hay astronomical in drought years (less cuttings and lower yields), and it's of less quality. And we have to feed it more often since the pastures get stunted.
On the other hand, too much rain results in... lots of mud, lots of bugs, more mowing the grass, and.... in an exceptionally rainy year, an astronomical cost of decent hay (due to the difficulty of harvesting it without it getting rained on or moldy). The pasture has to be protected so the horses don't beat it into a muddy pulp, but at least we don't have to feed hay in the summer on a wet year. Which is good because we are so busy mowing on the non-rainy days and swatting at bugs, we don't have time. :-) The rare "normal" years are usually in between the other extreme years and result in only semi-astronomical hay prices so the hay farmers can make up for their losses on the other years. We are extremely fortunate to have two great hay suppliers who have made sure we are able to get what we need and don't gauge us.
Mud is a huge consideration for those of us with horses. This area is not blessed with "well drained soil", (my friends here are collapsing with laughter at the thought). It's heavy dense clay under only a few inches of topsoil. Clay so heavy and dense that there are several "clay mines" in the area that are used to create pottery. So yes, I do have an appreciation for the beautiful, black loam of my childhood home! (I remember the first time my husband went back with me in the winter. He noticed the fields turned over and asked me what the farmers put in the soil there to make it so black. :-) )
This year, the weathermen are saying we are already way behind on rain. I was enjoying not spending a spring getting my boots sucked off in the mud, but on the other hand, I would hate for our investment of re-seeding a couple of the paddocks to go to waste, or to have to pay a 50% premium on hay this year.... only time will tell. See how hard it is to please us farmers? :-)
The onion sets are in, and the first batch of spinach and lettuce have been planted. So today I am thankful for rain today and the beautiful day yesterday!
Farmers are hardly ever satisfied with the amount of moisture. There is either too much or not enough! The selfish part of me prefers "not enough" in one respect - no mud, less bugs, less mowing. However, it makes the cost of hay astronomical in drought years (less cuttings and lower yields), and it's of less quality. And we have to feed it more often since the pastures get stunted.
On the other hand, too much rain results in... lots of mud, lots of bugs, more mowing the grass, and.... in an exceptionally rainy year, an astronomical cost of decent hay (due to the difficulty of harvesting it without it getting rained on or moldy). The pasture has to be protected so the horses don't beat it into a muddy pulp, but at least we don't have to feed hay in the summer on a wet year. Which is good because we are so busy mowing on the non-rainy days and swatting at bugs, we don't have time. :-) The rare "normal" years are usually in between the other extreme years and result in only semi-astronomical hay prices so the hay farmers can make up for their losses on the other years. We are extremely fortunate to have two great hay suppliers who have made sure we are able to get what we need and don't gauge us.
Mud is a huge consideration for those of us with horses. This area is not blessed with "well drained soil", (my friends here are collapsing with laughter at the thought). It's heavy dense clay under only a few inches of topsoil. Clay so heavy and dense that there are several "clay mines" in the area that are used to create pottery. So yes, I do have an appreciation for the beautiful, black loam of my childhood home! (I remember the first time my husband went back with me in the winter. He noticed the fields turned over and asked me what the farmers put in the soil there to make it so black. :-) )
This year, the weathermen are saying we are already way behind on rain. I was enjoying not spending a spring getting my boots sucked off in the mud, but on the other hand, I would hate for our investment of re-seeding a couple of the paddocks to go to waste, or to have to pay a 50% premium on hay this year.... only time will tell. See how hard it is to please us farmers? :-)
The onion sets are in, and the first batch of spinach and lettuce have been planted. So today I am thankful for rain today and the beautiful day yesterday!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Fabulous ride!!
After a very long winter, spring has finally arrived. The yard needs to be mowed, the fence needs to be worked on, and I have 2 hibiscus roots sitting in a bucket of water to be planted, but today was 65 and sunny so I went riding instead! Makes perfect sense to me.
Two of my friends and I met up at a central location place that has hundreds and hundreds of acres for riding. Over a 6 mile ride, we all worked on things with our horses that needed it, and all had success. We also went for several raucous gallops. It was heaven!! When we got back to the trailers, I hated for our perfect day to end. The horses were ready for it to end however, they were sweaty, hot, and tired after the warm weather in the remnants of their winter hair, but I could have galloped off for another round. :-)
It was amazing to look at the clock after loading up and heading back home. How can the time fly by so quickly when we are doing something we love?
Being with horses is my "church", it is my peace, my tranquility, my relaxation, and my fun. (Well, except for the very rare rides that go awry, then... not so much.) Everyone should have something in their life that brings them this feeling.
Two of my friends and I met up at a central location place that has hundreds and hundreds of acres for riding. Over a 6 mile ride, we all worked on things with our horses that needed it, and all had success. We also went for several raucous gallops. It was heaven!! When we got back to the trailers, I hated for our perfect day to end. The horses were ready for it to end however, they were sweaty, hot, and tired after the warm weather in the remnants of their winter hair, but I could have galloped off for another round. :-)
It was amazing to look at the clock after loading up and heading back home. How can the time fly by so quickly when we are doing something we love?
Being with horses is my "church", it is my peace, my tranquility, my relaxation, and my fun. (Well, except for the very rare rides that go awry, then... not so much.) Everyone should have something in their life that brings them this feeling.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Yesterday's post sparked some interesting emails and conversations with my friends.. Thank you!! I love good discussions and the insights they bring. I have such wise friends. It does remind me we are all in this together...
Mixed emotions today. I am so much more at peace today.. . still a little unsettled though when thinking about the hurt that I've caused with my bad temper. However, I can't change the past. All I can do is be thankful that I had the ephinany, grovel for forgiveness to the ones that matter, and from this day forward look at the world differently. I think I can do that, I just needed my eyes opened.
Isn't that rather an analogy for so many things in life? We just need to open our eyes.. the eyes to our inner self and open our hearts? I am grateful to those eye-openers in my life. My eyes have been opened to many things over the past decade, am I done yet? I don't know if we ever get "done", it's part of the journey.
For example, why is it so much easier for me to forgive others, but not myself? Why don't I give myself the same consideration I would for someone I loved? While I am easier on myself now than I have ever been, I can still really beat myself up for things. Things that I would have forgiven a friend for quickly.
Today I am glad I have been shown a new truth about myself. Something that needs to be improved, and will be. I very much regret the cost it had, inflicting needless pain upon others.
Today I want to start learning to forgive myself more quickly, without beating myself up for some extended period of time first.
And, my daily thanks for having so many people in my life who care about me and look out for me. We have great collective strength!
Mixed emotions today. I am so much more at peace today.. . still a little unsettled though when thinking about the hurt that I've caused with my bad temper. However, I can't change the past. All I can do is be thankful that I had the ephinany, grovel for forgiveness to the ones that matter, and from this day forward look at the world differently. I think I can do that, I just needed my eyes opened.
Isn't that rather an analogy for so many things in life? We just need to open our eyes.. the eyes to our inner self and open our hearts? I am grateful to those eye-openers in my life. My eyes have been opened to many things over the past decade, am I done yet? I don't know if we ever get "done", it's part of the journey.
For example, why is it so much easier for me to forgive others, but not myself? Why don't I give myself the same consideration I would for someone I loved? While I am easier on myself now than I have ever been, I can still really beat myself up for things. Things that I would have forgiven a friend for quickly.
Today I am glad I have been shown a new truth about myself. Something that needs to be improved, and will be. I very much regret the cost it had, inflicting needless pain upon others.
Today I want to start learning to forgive myself more quickly, without beating myself up for some extended period of time first.
And, my daily thanks for having so many people in my life who care about me and look out for me. We have great collective strength!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Anger
I've always had a bad temper. Through the years, I've been able to get a better handle on it with maturity, but recently I have realized that, as far as I've come, it is still not far enough. If I am hurting others with my anger, then it is not acceptable. While I don't like conflict, there are a few select triggers that make me so angry that I lose it and become just verbally... abusive. There, I said it.. abusive. Might as well be brutally honest with myself and not sugar-coat it.
I am truly a Pacifist at heart. I hate conflict, I'm a lover not a fighter. Make love, not war, etc. So what sets me off? After a thought provoking conversation yesterday with a friend, my eyes were cracked open a bit, and I had sort of an epiphany on my way home from work.
There are so many things going on in this world that we SHOULD be mad about, but I'm not going to get into that here. My point is to elucidate what sets me off. And it came to me on my drive home.
The last 14 miles of my drive is on 2-lane highways. Last night, someone was driving a backhoe in road gear down the road, at all of 30 mph, already with about 5 cars stacked up behind when I caught up. It's an inconvenience, but it was OK, I knew there was a large place at the corner ahead where he could pull off and let everyone pass. We get to the corner, about 15 cars strong. Huge parking lot to pull into and let everyone pass. Uh, no... he just whips right on around that corner and onto the next 2 lane highway... 14 of the 15 cars making the turn with him. The anger starts. I then think, "Well, he must just be going to one of these houses right here then.." Uh, NO!! MILES AND MILES on this road at 30, we are now at about 60 cars.. I was FURIOUS. OMG, steam rolling out my ears. And why? I wasn't in a huge hurry to get home, other than just wanting to be home. It's not like the extra 15 minutes were going to result in the house burning down or something. So why was I going off the deep end to the point of fantasizing someone ramming him in the rear end with their big truck? Or worse?
On that road, there are 3 good places to pull over and let people pass. When I am hauling the truck and trailer and horses on that road, if someone is behind me, I ALWAYS make the effort to pull over. I have had to pull over at all 3 places on the same trip! If I'm running behind, I pull over. If it's pouring rain, I pull over. I know how annoying it is to be behind something large going slow, and I do this out of courtesy for my fellow man. Not because I want to waste time pulling over, but just because it is the nice thing to do. I appreciate it so much when someone does that for me, too. So it just went ALL over me this asshole could care less about the 60 cars behind him.
And it hit me... the things that make me the very maddest, are the exact things that I make great effort not to do. The things that set me off the very most, are the things that I take great care and effort to NOT do. Ohhhhh........ and I started ruminating (and hey, at 30 mph for 9 miles, there was plenty of time Grrrrrrr...)
I thought about the things that make me totally lose my mind in a very bad way... animal neglect/abuse. Child abuse. OMG, steam out the ears. And, as previously mentioned, these are things we do need to be mad about.
But what about the things that we (by "we" I mean "me") really don't need to get so extremely angry about and do so anyway? And become so angry that we retaliate to "protect ourselves", but then later realize nothing warrants handling it that directly and brutally.
One answer is to not be close to someone who makes you that angry. However, a better answer is.. explore why something that, in the big picture is fairly minor, sets you off. If that person is important to you, and you want them in your life, explore the details of exactly what triggers the anger, and perhaps.. just perhaps, think of a different way to deal with it.
A friend of mind handles their anger or stress by just shutting down and walling everyone out. I, on the other hand, if I'm angry, work VERY hard to NOT let it affect my relationships with my loved ones and friends (well, except for the one situation or person I am angry at). I love my friends and family, I need them in my life.. I try to reach out to them so I can have some fun and comraderie to help me deal with the stress that's going on. Now, it IS an effort to reach out when I want to just curl up in a ball and wall the world away.. but I work hard NOT to do that. Very hard.
Which now makes sense when I have someone close who suddenly turns cold... and walls me out.. eventually makes me furious. Like they are throwing ME away. When really, they are just throwing themselves away into their own misery. Oh, I'm fine for a few days... but when I feel like I go from "friend" to "outcast" overnight.. OMG.... it makes me LIVID!! How DARE they throw me away! How DARE they toss me out and treat me like I no longer have any importance to them at all. And of course.. this makes me so irrationally angry because I make the conscious effort NOT to do that when I am caught up in the streses of life... the light bulb is shining brightly now.
My point is... there are always going to things that make me angry. However, flying off the handle is not the right way to handle it. Walling everyone out and withdrawing so you don't do or say something you will regret is one extreme. And attacking the issue head on, which can turn verbally abusive in a hurry when I get rolling is the other. The right way is somewhere in the middle. However.. I can't control what anyone else does, only what I do. If someone affects me with one extreme, it is still not right for me to react with the opposite extreme. I need to find that middle ground.
I am truly a Pacifist at heart. I hate conflict, I'm a lover not a fighter. Make love, not war, etc. So what sets me off? After a thought provoking conversation yesterday with a friend, my eyes were cracked open a bit, and I had sort of an epiphany on my way home from work.
There are so many things going on in this world that we SHOULD be mad about, but I'm not going to get into that here. My point is to elucidate what sets me off. And it came to me on my drive home.
The last 14 miles of my drive is on 2-lane highways. Last night, someone was driving a backhoe in road gear down the road, at all of 30 mph, already with about 5 cars stacked up behind when I caught up. It's an inconvenience, but it was OK, I knew there was a large place at the corner ahead where he could pull off and let everyone pass. We get to the corner, about 15 cars strong. Huge parking lot to pull into and let everyone pass. Uh, no... he just whips right on around that corner and onto the next 2 lane highway... 14 of the 15 cars making the turn with him. The anger starts. I then think, "Well, he must just be going to one of these houses right here then.." Uh, NO!! MILES AND MILES on this road at 30, we are now at about 60 cars.. I was FURIOUS. OMG, steam rolling out my ears. And why? I wasn't in a huge hurry to get home, other than just wanting to be home. It's not like the extra 15 minutes were going to result in the house burning down or something. So why was I going off the deep end to the point of fantasizing someone ramming him in the rear end with their big truck? Or worse?
On that road, there are 3 good places to pull over and let people pass. When I am hauling the truck and trailer and horses on that road, if someone is behind me, I ALWAYS make the effort to pull over. I have had to pull over at all 3 places on the same trip! If I'm running behind, I pull over. If it's pouring rain, I pull over. I know how annoying it is to be behind something large going slow, and I do this out of courtesy for my fellow man. Not because I want to waste time pulling over, but just because it is the nice thing to do. I appreciate it so much when someone does that for me, too. So it just went ALL over me this asshole could care less about the 60 cars behind him.
And it hit me... the things that make me the very maddest, are the exact things that I make great effort not to do. The things that set me off the very most, are the things that I take great care and effort to NOT do. Ohhhhh........ and I started ruminating (and hey, at 30 mph for 9 miles, there was plenty of time Grrrrrrr...)
I thought about the things that make me totally lose my mind in a very bad way... animal neglect/abuse. Child abuse. OMG, steam out the ears. And, as previously mentioned, these are things we do need to be mad about.
But what about the things that we (by "we" I mean "me") really don't need to get so extremely angry about and do so anyway? And become so angry that we retaliate to "protect ourselves", but then later realize nothing warrants handling it that directly and brutally.
One answer is to not be close to someone who makes you that angry. However, a better answer is.. explore why something that, in the big picture is fairly minor, sets you off. If that person is important to you, and you want them in your life, explore the details of exactly what triggers the anger, and perhaps.. just perhaps, think of a different way to deal with it.
A friend of mind handles their anger or stress by just shutting down and walling everyone out. I, on the other hand, if I'm angry, work VERY hard to NOT let it affect my relationships with my loved ones and friends (well, except for the one situation or person I am angry at). I love my friends and family, I need them in my life.. I try to reach out to them so I can have some fun and comraderie to help me deal with the stress that's going on. Now, it IS an effort to reach out when I want to just curl up in a ball and wall the world away.. but I work hard NOT to do that. Very hard.
Which now makes sense when I have someone close who suddenly turns cold... and walls me out.. eventually makes me furious. Like they are throwing ME away. When really, they are just throwing themselves away into their own misery. Oh, I'm fine for a few days... but when I feel like I go from "friend" to "outcast" overnight.. OMG.... it makes me LIVID!! How DARE they throw me away! How DARE they toss me out and treat me like I no longer have any importance to them at all. And of course.. this makes me so irrationally angry because I make the conscious effort NOT to do that when I am caught up in the streses of life... the light bulb is shining brightly now.
My point is... there are always going to things that make me angry. However, flying off the handle is not the right way to handle it. Walling everyone out and withdrawing so you don't do or say something you will regret is one extreme. And attacking the issue head on, which can turn verbally abusive in a hurry when I get rolling is the other. The right way is somewhere in the middle. However.. I can't control what anyone else does, only what I do. If someone affects me with one extreme, it is still not right for me to react with the opposite extreme. I need to find that middle ground.
Daily Health News Email
I can't remember where I signed up for it, but I receive a daily email from "Daily Health News". Most days I don't even read it. Some days I click in and idly skim through while thinking of something else. Today was one of those days, and it was meant to be for me to see it.
I've been struggling with something. I don't deal with extreme anger in a very positive way. It's gotten to the point that I'm lucky I have not lost people who are very dear to me because of this. I didn't think it was that much of a problem anymore, I have already come a loooooong way with it, but I am now realizing that it is a problem, and I need to find a way to handle it a better manner. What am I, like 3 years old? Verbal retailiation, a wrong for a perceived wrong.. no, there is a better way. There has to be.
Anyway, just this morning, this article was in the Daily Health News. Proving again there is a reason for everything, I happened to see this article (I have only included exerpts for brevity) and it hit home. The next post will be about my struggle.
Dont Fight Being Human
The list of celebrities getting toppled from their perches due to their human failings gets longer and longer... Not to mention that our fascination with human weakness has turned into a booming industry.
But what’s even more fascinating than watching all these beautiful, successful people fall? Seeing how they return from the ruin. The drug abuser who comes clean and writes a book... the fitness trainer who was once obese... these people serve as inspiration we love to embrace. According to life coach and Daily Health News regular contributor Lauren Zander, CEO of the Handel Group, there is a very good reason why we find them so entrancing: "Focusing on the failures of others allows us to hide from our own weaknesses, reassuring ourselves that we must be fine since we’d never do that."
It’s Part of the Story
The truth is that our weaknesses (we all have them) are part of being human. Overcoming them is part of the adventure of life, whereas covering up and hiding from a simple weakness can transform it into an obstacle that holds back personal development, and perhaps even destroys your life.
Have you noticed that people who’ve taken charge of failings and turned them around exude more confidence? With their stronger sense of self, they’re better and more inspiring teachers than those who have never had to confront their demons. Since the entire world is facing challenges right now, Lauren says it’s an ideal time to unmask our own weaknesses and take a different approach -- embrace them. She points out that everyone has positive and negative traits, adding "It’s better to be honest about your challenges than to make believe that they don’t exist, since, I promise you, the rest of the world is very aware of your shortcomings."
Accepting and acknowledging our weaknesses makes us immediately more authentic and real. Furthermore, it is only by admitting to our negative traits that we can begin to work on changing them. "Inherent in the concept of making something better is that you have to acknowledge that it’s a problem," says Lauren. "It’s the light emerging from the dark, the yin/yang of life."
But when you acknowledge what is negative in your life you also introduce a crucial question -- are you willing to do the work to make it better? "It isn’t easy to change the way you live -- how you eat, how you talk to others, the routines of your life," says Lauren. Making improvements requires awareness, adjustment and commitment. "Avoiding the conversation means that you don’t have to deal with it," she says. "But once you figure out that it is possible to turn not-so-great into something you’re proud of, you have the inspiration that leads to making a better life."
Picture This
Lauren suggests that one way to get good at admitting your flaws without feeling humiliated is to start a list of your weaknesses in a private journal. Be utterly honest -- the whole point is to realize that we all have human frailties. What are yours?
I've been struggling with something. I don't deal with extreme anger in a very positive way. It's gotten to the point that I'm lucky I have not lost people who are very dear to me because of this. I didn't think it was that much of a problem anymore, I have already come a loooooong way with it, but I am now realizing that it is a problem, and I need to find a way to handle it a better manner. What am I, like 3 years old? Verbal retailiation, a wrong for a perceived wrong.. no, there is a better way. There has to be.
Anyway, just this morning, this article was in the Daily Health News. Proving again there is a reason for everything, I happened to see this article (I have only included exerpts for brevity) and it hit home. The next post will be about my struggle.
Dont Fight Being Human
The list of celebrities getting toppled from their perches due to their human failings gets longer and longer... Not to mention that our fascination with human weakness has turned into a booming industry.
But what’s even more fascinating than watching all these beautiful, successful people fall? Seeing how they return from the ruin. The drug abuser who comes clean and writes a book... the fitness trainer who was once obese... these people serve as inspiration we love to embrace. According to life coach and Daily Health News regular contributor Lauren Zander, CEO of the Handel Group, there is a very good reason why we find them so entrancing: "Focusing on the failures of others allows us to hide from our own weaknesses, reassuring ourselves that we must be fine since we’d never do that."
It’s Part of the Story
The truth is that our weaknesses (we all have them) are part of being human. Overcoming them is part of the adventure of life, whereas covering up and hiding from a simple weakness can transform it into an obstacle that holds back personal development, and perhaps even destroys your life.
Have you noticed that people who’ve taken charge of failings and turned them around exude more confidence? With their stronger sense of self, they’re better and more inspiring teachers than those who have never had to confront their demons. Since the entire world is facing challenges right now, Lauren says it’s an ideal time to unmask our own weaknesses and take a different approach -- embrace them. She points out that everyone has positive and negative traits, adding "It’s better to be honest about your challenges than to make believe that they don’t exist, since, I promise you, the rest of the world is very aware of your shortcomings."
Accepting and acknowledging our weaknesses makes us immediately more authentic and real. Furthermore, it is only by admitting to our negative traits that we can begin to work on changing them. "Inherent in the concept of making something better is that you have to acknowledge that it’s a problem," says Lauren. "It’s the light emerging from the dark, the yin/yang of life."
But when you acknowledge what is negative in your life you also introduce a crucial question -- are you willing to do the work to make it better? "It isn’t easy to change the way you live -- how you eat, how you talk to others, the routines of your life," says Lauren. Making improvements requires awareness, adjustment and commitment. "Avoiding the conversation means that you don’t have to deal with it," she says. "But once you figure out that it is possible to turn not-so-great into something you’re proud of, you have the inspiration that leads to making a better life."
Picture This
Lauren suggests that one way to get good at admitting your flaws without feeling humiliated is to start a list of your weaknesses in a private journal. Be utterly honest -- the whole point is to realize that we all have human frailties. What are yours?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Peace
"I never knew making one decision and deciding "it's time" could lift such a burden off your heart and spirit almost instantly. Words can't describe what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like.....I never thought I would see it. Let's hope I can stay on the path..."
I have the best girlfriends ever. Thank you. I love you gals for still being my friend, in spite of.
I have the best girlfriends ever. Thank you. I love you gals for still being my friend, in spite of.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Songs
Music has always been so important to me. It seems like no matter where I am in my life, there are songs that relate to it. I love the way hearing a song can take you back to the "place" in your life that made it relevant. Most of the time it is happy, sometimes bittersweet or sad.
I started this blog to help me organize my thoughts every day. To try to decide what I wanted or needed for this one day. And to make sure I expressed whatever I was thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for.
I've always been ambitious. That desire is what ultimately let me survive my childhood, break some family patterns, and excel. But the ghosts and shadows remain. Not as much.. but yes, they are still there. Old patterns, old hurts, and the way I managed to escape it all.. but do we ever really truly escape? I wonder.
Today, I am grateful for my job which lets me live my dream of having horses, and having them at home. I am grateful for my loving husband who does his best.. I know I'm not an easy person to live with. I am grateful for my girlfriends.. SO grateful for them, you have no idea.
Today I want to keep working on not being so hypercritical of myself. I will never love myself fully or be able to control my weight until I do. I want to stop hating myself for not being as perfect as I think I should be.
I started this blog to help me organize my thoughts every day. To try to decide what I wanted or needed for this one day. And to make sure I expressed whatever I was thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for.
I've always been ambitious. That desire is what ultimately let me survive my childhood, break some family patterns, and excel. But the ghosts and shadows remain. Not as much.. but yes, they are still there. Old patterns, old hurts, and the way I managed to escape it all.. but do we ever really truly escape? I wonder.
Today, I am grateful for my job which lets me live my dream of having horses, and having them at home. I am grateful for my loving husband who does his best.. I know I'm not an easy person to live with. I am grateful for my girlfriends.. SO grateful for them, you have no idea.
Today I want to keep working on not being so hypercritical of myself. I will never love myself fully or be able to control my weight until I do. I want to stop hating myself for not being as perfect as I think I should be.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Daylight Savings Time
Daylight savings time is here!! Yay!! If only it could be daylight from 7am - 9pm all year...
Another rainy, chilly, dreary day. Seems like I can only get motivated to clean house when it's sunny. Or when I have people coming over. Or on a huge dose a Sudaphed and Xyrtec, and only because they make me so hyper I have to do something.
Today:
I want to get out of this chair and clean my house.
I want to figure out a way to not be consumed with wanting things I cannot have.
I want to learn to be content and grateful for what I do have. I have so much, and am so fortunate.
Another rainy, chilly, dreary day. Seems like I can only get motivated to clean house when it's sunny. Or when I have people coming over. Or on a huge dose a Sudaphed and Xyrtec, and only because they make me so hyper I have to do something.
Today:
I want to get out of this chair and clean my house.
I want to figure out a way to not be consumed with wanting things I cannot have.
I want to learn to be content and grateful for what I do have. I have so much, and am so fortunate.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
In the beginning
In the beginning, I was a normal, happily married woman who was mostly content with what she had. No.. strike that. Have I ever been content? Haven't I always strived for more? A better education, a better job, a way to fulfill my dreams and goals, and a loving husband to be my partner in life? Perhaps I should say that I had reached a point where I had all those things. And I still do, unless I screw it up. I now have the better education, the better job, the small farm, and the loving husband, and have for many years. So what's going on now?
Life is a funny thing.. you think you know what you want, and when you get it, you take it for granted and want something else. Or well, I guess at least I do. For several years I felt like something was missing... like I was mourning something, but didn't know what. Life was pretty good, other than this thing that was missing. What was missing? I have no idea! It's crazy.
So really.. in the very beginning, I was a child who learned to be very independent at a very young age, and to develop a strong intuition of when things were about to go bad for me. I learned to tell quickly who was capable of hurting me, and who I could trust. There were very precious few I could trust.
Today I wish for:
Peace in my heart and mind
To learn and truly believe that sometimes it is OK to be weak.
Life is a funny thing.. you think you know what you want, and when you get it, you take it for granted and want something else. Or well, I guess at least I do. For several years I felt like something was missing... like I was mourning something, but didn't know what. Life was pretty good, other than this thing that was missing. What was missing? I have no idea! It's crazy.
So really.. in the very beginning, I was a child who learned to be very independent at a very young age, and to develop a strong intuition of when things were about to go bad for me. I learned to tell quickly who was capable of hurting me, and who I could trust. There were very precious few I could trust.
Today I wish for:
Peace in my heart and mind
To learn and truly believe that sometimes it is OK to be weak.
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