Anger

I've always had a bad temper. Through the years, I've been able to get a better handle on it with maturity, but recently I have realized that, as far as I've come, it is still not far enough. If I am hurting others with my anger, then it is not acceptable. While I don't like conflict, there are a few select triggers that make me so angry that I lose it and become just verbally... abusive. There, I said it.. abusive. Might as well be brutally honest with myself and not sugar-coat it.

I am truly a Pacifist at heart. I hate conflict, I'm a lover not a fighter. Make love, not war, etc. So what sets me off? After a thought provoking conversation yesterday with a friend, my eyes were cracked open a bit, and I had sort of an epiphany on my way home from work.

There are so many things going on in this world that we SHOULD be mad about, but I'm not going to get into that here. My point is to elucidate what sets me off. And it came to me on my drive home.

The last 14 miles of my drive is on 2-lane highways. Last night, someone was driving a backhoe in road gear down the road, at all of 30 mph, already with about 5 cars stacked up behind when I caught up. It's an inconvenience, but it was OK, I knew there was a large place at the corner ahead where he could pull off and let everyone pass. We get to the corner, about 15 cars strong. Huge parking lot to pull into and let everyone pass. Uh, no... he just whips right on around that corner and onto the next 2 lane highway... 14 of the 15 cars making the turn with him. The anger starts. I then think, "Well, he must just be going to one of these houses right here then.." Uh, NO!! MILES AND MILES on this road at 30, we are now at about 60 cars.. I was FURIOUS. OMG, steam rolling out my ears. And why? I wasn't in a huge hurry to get home, other than just wanting to be home. It's not like the extra 15 minutes were going to result in the house burning down or something. So why was I going off the deep end to the point of fantasizing someone ramming him in the rear end with their big truck? Or worse?

On that road, there are 3 good places to pull over and let people pass. When I am hauling the truck and trailer and horses on that road, if someone is behind me, I ALWAYS make the effort to pull over. I have had to pull over at all 3 places on the same trip! If I'm running behind, I pull over. If it's pouring rain, I pull over. I know how annoying it is to be behind something large going slow, and I do this out of courtesy for my fellow man. Not because I want to waste time pulling over, but just because it is the nice thing to do. I appreciate it so much when someone does that for me, too. So it just went ALL over me this asshole could care less about the 60 cars behind him.

And it hit me... the things that make me the very maddest, are the exact things that I make great effort not to do. The things that set me off the very most, are the things that I take great care and effort to NOT do. Ohhhhh........ and I started ruminating (and hey, at 30 mph for 9 miles, there was plenty of time Grrrrrrr...)

I thought about the things that make me totally lose my mind in a very bad way... animal neglect/abuse. Child abuse. OMG, steam out the ears. And, as previously mentioned, these are things we do need to be mad about.

But what about the things that we (by "we" I mean "me") really don't need to get so extremely angry about and do so anyway? And become so angry that we retaliate to "protect ourselves", but then later realize nothing warrants handling it that directly and brutally.

One answer is to not be close to someone who makes you that angry. However, a better answer is.. explore why something that, in the big picture is fairly minor, sets you off. If that person is important to you, and you want them in your life, explore the details of exactly what triggers the anger, and perhaps.. just perhaps, think of a different way to deal with it.

A friend of mind handles their anger or stress by just shutting down and walling everyone out. I, on the other hand, if I'm angry, work VERY hard to NOT let it affect my relationships with my loved ones and friends (well, except for the one situation or person I am angry at). I love my friends and family, I need them in my life.. I try to reach out to them so I can have some fun and comraderie to help me deal with the stress that's going on. Now, it IS an effort to reach out when I want to just curl up in a ball and wall the world away.. but I work hard NOT to do that. Very hard.

Which now makes sense when I have someone close who suddenly turns cold... and walls me out.. eventually makes me furious. Like they are throwing ME away. When really, they are just throwing themselves away into their own misery. Oh, I'm fine for a few days... but when I feel like I go from "friend" to "outcast" overnight.. OMG.... it makes me LIVID!! How DARE they throw me away! How DARE they toss me out and treat me like I no longer have any importance to them at all. And of course.. this makes me so irrationally angry because I make the conscious effort NOT to do that when I am caught up in the streses of life... the light bulb is shining brightly now.

My point is... there are always going to things that make me angry. However, flying off the handle is not the right way to handle it. Walling everyone out and withdrawing so you don't do or say something you will regret is one extreme. And attacking the issue head on, which can turn verbally abusive in a hurry when I get rolling is the other. The right way is somewhere in the middle. However.. I can't control what anyone else does, only what I do. If someone affects me with one extreme, it is still not right for me to react with the opposite extreme. I need to find that middle ground.